a note to the big guy

dear god,

right now i think you are a total fucktard. i am very angry at you right now. and don't try to tell me you had a reason for doing what you did this week. i don't want to fucking hear it.

love,
ali

need me to start at the beginning? ok.

when the phone rings in this house after 10pm, it goes unanswered. always. it's usually work calling dad in for the night, so we all ignore it. sunday night at midnight the phone rang....and dad answered. bad sign #1. he didn't get to it in time, so he called someone. bad sign #2. he didn't get through. the phone rang again 10 minutes later. bad sign #3. he answered. bad sign #4. he told mom something (i couldn't hear what). then he got on the phone again, multiple times. bad signs #5, #6, & #7. and an hour later his cell phone rang. bad sign #8.

after bad sign #1 i knew what had happened. at least, i was pretty sure. and sure enough when i got up the next morning, mom met me in the hallway with the news. daddy's older brother had died. jay thomas keeny died in his sleep december 5, 2010 at age 60.

60.

for fuck's sake.

he left behind my aunt j, 2 sons l & l, and granddaughter e.

not to mention a thriving business with customers who had to be contacted immediately. what a mess.

i cried that morning. i cried for my family. i wasn't close to him. but i cried anyway. and i've cried every day since. in fact, i'm crying right now. shocking, i know.

and i'll cry again friday as we attend his memorial service & put him in the ground, just steps from my grandparents & great-grandparents.

i think the worst part of all, honestly, is seeing my dad in pain. dad is the middle child of 5. and i wouldn't say he was closest to my uncle jay, but they were very close in age. they played football together in high school. and i can only imagine the pain he feels now. and the reality. it could've been him. it could've been any of them. hell, it could've been one of us. and that realizaion is a tough pill for all of us to swallow.

i would die without my dad.
or my mom.
or my siblings.
(or obviously my kids)

fuck. it just sucks so bad.

i don't know what else to say.

so god....we have issues right now. thanks for doing this 3 weeks before christmas. you suck.

step 1

step #1....DONE

signed the complaint for divorce today.

3-4 months to go....

so, i never blog

in case you hadn't noticed, i NEVER blog. i haven't blogged in 9 months. oops. forget catching up from then....i mean, someday i'll try to. but let's discuss the here & now.

want to know why i never blog?

LIFE.

that's why.

here's the short version. ready? go!

still working shitty full-time hours at the bank. back in school. don't ask why. that just makes the short version longer! the kids & i are still living with mom & dad. why? because M & i have been separated for over 4 months now. i asked him to move out. the big D is in our future. please don't say you're sorry. not necessary.

so that's it. i don't blog b/c as a full-time working, part-time student, single mom i don't have time. :D there's the short version.

and a social life? it doesn't exist. because 1) i don't have time & 2) i'm poor :D

no public announement has been made about the marriage situation so this is all i'll do for the time being. people who ask get the truth. people who don't are in the dark. cool? cool.

hopefully i'll get back to blogging at some point. until then i hope this lasts another 8 months! :P

catching up part 1

so, it's 2/10.....and here in snowy NEPA, i'm enjoying a day off work. well, i had to in for 2 1/2 hours. i'm SO happy we got to close at 1! we NEVER get to close, so today is a very nice surprise!!

since i'm home, i figured i would try to start catching up. so here we go....back to june! sunny days & fun! a far cry from the blizzard outside today!

since the 1st parade was rained out, they rescheduled. and boy were we excited! 1 last milaca parade with our friends!! it was considerably smaller than the original would've been, but we still got plenty of candy!!

this is my favorite part of the parade every single year:
we got to see the kids' friend from daycare. she was the macaroni queen!

a few days after our last parade we had to say goodbye to the kids' daycare provider. i had been dreading this day ever since we decided to move. miss amy had raised rae since she was 11 months & beast since he was 10 weeks. she is an amazing woman in general & the most fabulous daycare provider EVER. we invited her & her tiny granddaughter to splash park with us that night so she could hang out with us a little longer. i grabbed some picnic food to take along & cried quite a bit. but it was time for some fun 1 last time with some of our best friends. (thanks cara for renting splash park for us!!)

when it was time for splash park to close, we stayed & played on the playground for awhile. i think we were all kind of trying to delay the goodbyes. being the emotional wreck i am, i cried when amy left. and forget about when my kids said goodbye to their friends! i think i cried the whole way home.

2 days later, the kids were on their last trip from MN to PA. they said goodbye to the house. (i cried, of course!). we drove to our friend nancy's & she took us to the airport. we grabbed some breakfast at the airport & headed east. the kids were fabulous & obviously VERY excited to find their daddy waiting for us!!

i stayed just a week in PA, but we all had a great time. mattie & i celebrated our 6th anniversary. we all went swimming ALOT! and we went to the monster truck show!

it was a fantastic visit. we spent the entire week as a whole family for the 1st time in 4 weeks.

unfortunately it was short-lived. a week after i arrived, i hopped back on a plane & headed west.

and yes, there was obviously LOTS of crying. i almost didn't get on the plane.

a heavy heart

yes, i know i still need to catch up on, say, the past 6 months. but tonight, i've got a heavy heart.

yesterday was my grandparents' anniversary. surprisingly, matt & i were to be married on january 24th as well. we had no idea it was the day my grandparents wed a very long time ago until i found their marriage license a couple months ago. so yesterday my grandparents celebrated their 1st anniversary together again. it's been a long time. but i'm sure they were celebrating high in the sky.

yesterday, unfortunately, was also full of terrible news. a woman i used to work with passed away unexpectedly at the age of 46, leaving a husband, 3 children, & 1 grandchild.

just a few hours after finding out that, i found out that a couple we know from matt's marine corps days lost their infant son. yes, he was sick. he was born sick. and they are incredibly faithful. yet i doubt that's making this ordeal any easier on them or their 2 daughters.

then, just 5 minutes ago i read that a friend of mine knows a young man who just lost his wife. he's left to raise 2 small boys. (and yes, i sent her a message letting her know about the LLF if & when he needs more support)

i know i complain. sometimes a lot. and then stuff like this happens & smacks me in the face. i am lucky. blessed. whatever you want to call it. i just have a heavy heart tonight for those who are battling through such heartache.

so, if you're the praying type, go ahead. these 3 families (and countless others, i know) really need your prayers. and if you're not the praying type, just send out some healing vibes. i know they would all be grateful.