so, tonight was parent-teacher conference night.
i always get nervous for these even though there's really no reason to. tonight was no different.
matt & i attend these together.
first stop...beast's teacher. he told us that beast is flourishing. he is excelling academically and really coming out of his shell. his kid writing is getting better and he is starting to read! his teacher wishes he had a room full of beasters, but since he doesn't beast has the unfortunate job of sitting between the naughty ones!!
next stop....rae's room. her teacher told us exactly what we expected. rae is also excelling academically and well beyond her 1st grade level in every subject. she is a big help and graciously helps the students who need extra attention, usually choosing on her own to work with the one who needs the most help. now, matt and i both already knew that rae is smart and sweet. but it's really amazing to hear someone else use the words responsible, funny, caring, & compassionate about your child.
so, with 2 smart, beautiful, funny, compassionate blondies, i am one proud mama.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
oh baby daddy
just a quick one with my latest baby daddy drama.....i mean, this blog hasn't been entertaining for awhile so let's work on that now. feel free to laugh at my effed up life :)
so.....matt's schedule has been pretty messed up lately & this coming weekend is no exception. he hasn't seen the kids much & has been complaining...a LOT. he says he misses them. understandable.
too bad it's all bullshit.
the original plan was for him to pick up the kids at school tomorrow & keep them til 8 or 9, at which point he'd take them to my parents' house. he has a class saturday morning & i'm working, so neither of us can keep them. after his class he was gonna pick them up & keep them til 8 or so again. we were both supposed to work sunday. i was gonna pick them up that afternoon, keep them for awhile, & then drop them with him for sunday through tuesday.
wellllll, now he's working saturday & sunday night shift. not really a big deal. he gave me a big sob story about how he's bummed he won't see them as much. they'll be with me all weekend (except for sleeping), plus sunday night. i'm good with this, except that i'd really like to do some cleaning without them here. but oh well. i love time with them. cleaning can wait.....more :)
so, tonight he calls me to tell me he's dropping them with my parents tomorrow night at 715. i asked why & said because he has to get up early saturday. bullshit, matt. i kept pushing, and all he could say was that i should go over & spend time with them. now, this isn't my usual night with them. and i didn't want to invade on his time. he knows that. so i was planning on staying away. when i said that he just called me a whore & blamed me for my family hating him. hey, matt...newsflash. you did that all on your own. they're smart people.
so, i don't know who or what is so important he can't spend time with his kids (well, i have an idea but whatevs), but it's disgusting. being a baby daddy does not mean being a father. these blondies deserve a father. so for now, i will do my best to be both mommy & daddy.
and someday, they'll see that everything i do is for them.
so.....matt's schedule has been pretty messed up lately & this coming weekend is no exception. he hasn't seen the kids much & has been complaining...a LOT. he says he misses them. understandable.
too bad it's all bullshit.
the original plan was for him to pick up the kids at school tomorrow & keep them til 8 or 9, at which point he'd take them to my parents' house. he has a class saturday morning & i'm working, so neither of us can keep them. after his class he was gonna pick them up & keep them til 8 or so again. we were both supposed to work sunday. i was gonna pick them up that afternoon, keep them for awhile, & then drop them with him for sunday through tuesday.
wellllll, now he's working saturday & sunday night shift. not really a big deal. he gave me a big sob story about how he's bummed he won't see them as much. they'll be with me all weekend (except for sleeping), plus sunday night. i'm good with this, except that i'd really like to do some cleaning without them here. but oh well. i love time with them. cleaning can wait.....more :)
so, tonight he calls me to tell me he's dropping them with my parents tomorrow night at 715. i asked why & said because he has to get up early saturday. bullshit, matt. i kept pushing, and all he could say was that i should go over & spend time with them. now, this isn't my usual night with them. and i didn't want to invade on his time. he knows that. so i was planning on staying away. when i said that he just called me a whore & blamed me for my family hating him. hey, matt...newsflash. you did that all on your own. they're smart people.
so, i don't know who or what is so important he can't spend time with his kids (well, i have an idea but whatevs), but it's disgusting. being a baby daddy does not mean being a father. these blondies deserve a father. so for now, i will do my best to be both mommy & daddy.
and someday, they'll see that everything i do is for them.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
seriously sunday?
well, it's yet another sunday. ugh. might as well just dig right in to this one. i apologize. i'll blog about something other than my love life soon. promise. but for right now, i need some blogging therapy!! i'm doing his now while it's all still fresh.....and raw.
for the past 2 weeks, ravi & i have been working on our relationship. there was a LOT of talking. we both said everything we needed to say. i understood his points. he understood mine. things were moving in the right direction. so we decided to have a weekend together with the kids.
friday night was fine. the kids were excited to see him. we had fun just lounging at home.
saturday morning the kids got up, said good morning to us in bed, & then played. it was amazing. they just sat & colored together. that never happens!! then we hit up the drive-thru at dunkin for brunch. we came back and ate....then all hell broke loose. the kids got wild. i lost my cool with them & with ravi. they were too wild & misbehaving. he wasn't helping at all. and all i wanted to do was clean. i took a nap to get away. when i woke up, ravi laid down for like 3 hours. finally i took the kids to my mom. i came back home, showered up, & headed back to my mom's. i didn't mean to stay there for 3 hours, but i did. ravi said it was fine. he was gonna grab some food & just watch movies on tv. when i got home, he was a little different. but i figured we'd sleep & be fine in the morning.
sunday morning i got up & got ready for church. he didn't want to go. that's fine. we hadn't crossed that hurdle much except for visiting a temple on our 2nd date. other than that, we had decided to hold off on anything until christmas eve when he would go with us. we had a dinner after church so i didn't get home until about 1. he was already gone.
i called. he didn't answer. i left a vm. and then he called back.
this is basically how it went....he hates everything about my life.
-my kids & their misbehaving.
-my messy place
-my debt
-the fact that i spent time with my family when he didn't
-i make him feel shitty about his life
-he doesn't want any responsibility
-i'm emotional
-i have no goals for my life
-i'm sure there's more i can't think of
yes, the kids were a little much this weekend. but they're kids. we don't get many weekends together when i don't work, so they were excited for that and to see him. my place is messy. yes. i'm working on it. and part of the reason i was hoping he'd help out a little was so i could clean because i know it bothered him so much. my debt. i'm working on it. i'm a single mom making $25g a year....before taxes. money's tight. but it's my debt. my responsibility. i'm working on it. i never asked him to avoid his family. it was his choice to stay here. unfortunately that meant that they couldn't know he was here. it's totally naughty in his culture to spend the night with a woman. i never purposely made him feel shitty. that's all him. period. he doesn't want the responsiblity. we've discussed this multiple times....and right from the start. hello, i have kids. that's how it is. yes, i'm emotional. too bad. i DO have goals....i'm just working on tweeking them so i know exactly where i'm heading. i'm a mom first. a goal-seeker second.
the kids are my life. i do everything for them. sometimes we have rough days. saturday was one of them. i'm SO, SOOOOO angry that he brought them into this at all. yes,he& i are better when they arent around because we can focus on each other. but our family vacation was a blast & they were there every secnd. i'm emotional because i invest everything i have in a relationship. for me, love isn't worth doing unless you do it a million percent. i'm just sad it blew up in my face.....again. i mean, seriously....matt & i divorced. the guy i had the affair with just had a baby with his wife (who he hates). now ravi can't deal with me & my kids.
ugh.
i realized a lot this weekend though. ravi is not the kind of partner i want. i don't want someone who bitches that things are messy & then leaves fast food cups & dirty dishes around. yes, he did that. i don't want to feel like i put more effort into making things work. and i had to with him.
i want the guy who brings my favorite flower every now & then. who knows my favorite restaurant, makes reservations, & calls my mom to baby-sit. i want the guy who helps with the cleaning...who realizes debt is part of life....who wants to be an equal partner...who would NEVER blame my kids for things they can't control. they've been through hell. they deserve to just be kids.
so for that reason, i will keep being the best mom i can. our december trip to nyc will still happen...although the thought of taking them to manhattan by myself terrifies me. their christmas will be amazing even though i'm broke. and they will feel loved. period.
i love adele...but she got it wrong. i don't want to find someone like him. i want to find someone better than him.
if he happens to be tall, dark, handsome, & rich, even better.
oh, and wanting his wife to stay home & have 3 more babies, bonus.
for the past 2 weeks, ravi & i have been working on our relationship. there was a LOT of talking. we both said everything we needed to say. i understood his points. he understood mine. things were moving in the right direction. so we decided to have a weekend together with the kids.
friday night was fine. the kids were excited to see him. we had fun just lounging at home.
saturday morning the kids got up, said good morning to us in bed, & then played. it was amazing. they just sat & colored together. that never happens!! then we hit up the drive-thru at dunkin for brunch. we came back and ate....then all hell broke loose. the kids got wild. i lost my cool with them & with ravi. they were too wild & misbehaving. he wasn't helping at all. and all i wanted to do was clean. i took a nap to get away. when i woke up, ravi laid down for like 3 hours. finally i took the kids to my mom. i came back home, showered up, & headed back to my mom's. i didn't mean to stay there for 3 hours, but i did. ravi said it was fine. he was gonna grab some food & just watch movies on tv. when i got home, he was a little different. but i figured we'd sleep & be fine in the morning.
sunday morning i got up & got ready for church. he didn't want to go. that's fine. we hadn't crossed that hurdle much except for visiting a temple on our 2nd date. other than that, we had decided to hold off on anything until christmas eve when he would go with us. we had a dinner after church so i didn't get home until about 1. he was already gone.
i called. he didn't answer. i left a vm. and then he called back.
this is basically how it went....he hates everything about my life.
-my kids & their misbehaving.
-my messy place
-my debt
-the fact that i spent time with my family when he didn't
-i make him feel shitty about his life
-he doesn't want any responsibility
-i'm emotional
-i have no goals for my life
-i'm sure there's more i can't think of
yes, the kids were a little much this weekend. but they're kids. we don't get many weekends together when i don't work, so they were excited for that and to see him. my place is messy. yes. i'm working on it. and part of the reason i was hoping he'd help out a little was so i could clean because i know it bothered him so much. my debt. i'm working on it. i'm a single mom making $25g a year....before taxes. money's tight. but it's my debt. my responsibility. i'm working on it. i never asked him to avoid his family. it was his choice to stay here. unfortunately that meant that they couldn't know he was here. it's totally naughty in his culture to spend the night with a woman. i never purposely made him feel shitty. that's all him. period. he doesn't want the responsiblity. we've discussed this multiple times....and right from the start. hello, i have kids. that's how it is. yes, i'm emotional. too bad. i DO have goals....i'm just working on tweeking them so i know exactly where i'm heading. i'm a mom first. a goal-seeker second.
the kids are my life. i do everything for them. sometimes we have rough days. saturday was one of them. i'm SO, SOOOOO angry that he brought them into this at all. yes,he& i are better when they arent around because we can focus on each other. but our family vacation was a blast & they were there every secnd. i'm emotional because i invest everything i have in a relationship. for me, love isn't worth doing unless you do it a million percent. i'm just sad it blew up in my face.....again. i mean, seriously....matt & i divorced. the guy i had the affair with just had a baby with his wife (who he hates). now ravi can't deal with me & my kids.
ugh.
i realized a lot this weekend though. ravi is not the kind of partner i want. i don't want someone who bitches that things are messy & then leaves fast food cups & dirty dishes around. yes, he did that. i don't want to feel like i put more effort into making things work. and i had to with him.
i want the guy who brings my favorite flower every now & then. who knows my favorite restaurant, makes reservations, & calls my mom to baby-sit. i want the guy who helps with the cleaning...who realizes debt is part of life....who wants to be an equal partner...who would NEVER blame my kids for things they can't control. they've been through hell. they deserve to just be kids.
so for that reason, i will keep being the best mom i can. our december trip to nyc will still happen...although the thought of taking them to manhattan by myself terrifies me. their christmas will be amazing even though i'm broke. and they will feel loved. period.
i love adele...but she got it wrong. i don't want to find someone like him. i want to find someone better than him.
if he happens to be tall, dark, handsome, & rich, even better.
oh, and wanting his wife to stay home & have 3 more babies, bonus.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
rainy days and sundays always get me down
so....here goes nothing.
the big, bad break-up update.
no alcohol (and for the record, i dumped my drink out last night. couldn't do it.)
guaranteed to be a jumbled mess of thoughts. just try to follow along!
first, let's do a proper introduction. this is mr sunday. his real name is ravi. (like robbie but with a V) the pics are from vacation.....family vacation :) and it was so much fun!!
anyway....back to the big, bad break-up....
ravi & i have had a pretty amazing relationship since february. don't get me wrong....living 100 miles apart is tough. but we did our best. always. we texted all day at work, talked every night before bed, and saw each other nearly every weekend. we were on the same page (mostly!) about the future. our biggest worry was how could we possibly afford a ring, wedding, & house all in the next 15 months. yes, the ring is semi-chosen, the venue chosen, the date set, the dress picked, the mixing of cultures & traditions sorted out.
but the past few weeks had gotten a little tumultuous....and it's my fault. this pyscho bitch decided she wanted flowers and wasn't gonna stop bitching til she got them! and anything else ravi could come up with. now, you have to understand, ravi has always been amazing at making me feel super loved, beautiful, and wanted. always. i just didn't realize this until today. he's not the most romantic, and he thinks flowers are a waste of money, but he's pretty fucking amazing.
the past few weeks i've turned into the worst girlfriend ever. period. so when he brought gifts this past weekend (candles for the new place & chocolate), i was shocked. but loved every second.
anyway....i've been so pyscho i've said things like:
other guys have treated me better.
i lived through a divorce. i can live through a break-up.
you don't do enough for me.
i don't wanna see you this weekend (that was last weekend. we ended up spending the weekend apart but not because i said that.)
blahblahblah.
well.....the weekend came. friday night i came home & he was already here...yay! and with the gifts. (he's never gotten gifts for any other girl) we ate, cuddled on the loveseat all evening, reconnected, and slept in each other's arms again after 2 weeks apart. it was amazing. i LOVE waking up next to him.
saturday we were both pretty busy and didn't see each other. the kids wanted to stay with my mom, so we were gonna go to our favorite bar and dance the night away. well, my mom made me feel like she didn't want the kids and i started feeling guilty. plus, ravi had a family dinner that was gonna last til about 10. so, i decided i didn't want to go out. oy vey. let the drama begin. he texted amy (our mutual best friend....who has been in the middle of most of our arguments). she texted me, and the battle began. i said things to her i shouldn't have and we aren't speaking now. it's rough working with your bff who you're not talking to. oops. and i was so angry & hurt that ravi was going out instead of spending time with me & the kids (he hasn't seen them much lately), that i let my anger get the best of me. i told him to go to hell, bring my key back, and leave. so he did. i considered going out but just couldn't bring myself to do it. never once did i say i wanted to break-up.
sunday rolled around. i figured we'd go grab lunch, talk about the night before, take our usual sunday afternoon nap, and fix everything. unfortunately, ravi read what i had said as a break-up & told me it was over. (although he says he didn't dump me....so what exactly happened?) we cried for an hour or so. he went back to his parents' to pack. then he came back. i so badly wanted to hand him his key and have things magically be fixed. but that didn't happen. we cried for another 2 hours and he left. (oh yeah, and the pics of him dancing with amy that ended up on fb really hurt, even though they're just friends)
it was awful.
since then i have cried nearly non-stop, not eaten much, thrown up what i have eaten, passed out in the shower & gotten a nasty swollen & bruised hip. oy. (i have eaten dinner and it's stayed down....because he & i have talked & i am cautiously optimistic)
we joked a little on the phone earlier tonight. we're planning on talking a bit more tonight & going for dinner next weekend (not this weekend...he has his next cpa exam monday & wants to focus on studying)
he understands where i'm coming from about some of the stuff...the pics for sure. and the hurt, anger, and jealousy. i just can't figure out exactly how a break-up came out of this. i didn't say it. and he says he didn't say it....so how are we broken up? clearly we have some serious communication issues!
the deal is this....neither of us is perfect. but we're amazing together. we've both made mistakes. i'm more than ready to own up to mine & fix things. ravi makes me a better person, a better mom. i don't want to be with anyone but him. period. i never thought i'd fall for a younger guy....especially not an indian one :P but i did. and now i don't want to live without him.
i guess only time will tell. they say if you love someone, let them go.
i did.
but i'm hoping he'll come back.
i'm ready.
really ready.
Monday, October 31, 2011
a little messy
so...i know that some people are looking for a blog on the break-up with mr sunday.
and that somebody happens to be my sister :)
it will come.....
eventually....
but tonight it's still too raw.
it hurts too much.
my heart is in too many pieces.
and i'm not drunk enough to deal.
so tonight, i will attempt to eat. (although this has NOT gone well)
and i will drink.
captain morgan, how i love you.
and that somebody happens to be my sister :)
it will come.....
eventually....
but tonight it's still too raw.
it hurts too much.
my heart is in too many pieces.
and i'm not drunk enough to deal.
so tonight, i will attempt to eat. (although this has NOT gone well)
and i will drink.
captain morgan, how i love you.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
seriously???
so, i've been hating on my job hardcore lately.
that hasn't changed.
but after some customers, i wonder why i'd ever give it up.
seriously, who gets this kind of free entertainment at work?
me: your account is in the negative $80.
him: how did that happen?
me: ::explained::
him: wow. is there anything you can do about it that? i mean, i can't have my check be short this week. i have to pay for a paternity test.
FML.
are you kidding?
man i love that part of my job! :P
that hasn't changed.
but after some customers, i wonder why i'd ever give it up.
seriously, who gets this kind of free entertainment at work?
me: your account is in the negative $80.
him: how did that happen?
me: ::explained::
him: wow. is there anything you can do about it that? i mean, i can't have my check be short this week. i have to pay for a paternity test.
FML.
are you kidding?
man i love that part of my job! :P
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
my smart boy :)
quick one :)
we were at the big k tonight shopping for costumes (we left empty-handed. thank god the the internet & online shopping!!)
little beast decided he wants to be a skeleton. i'm good with that.
as he's looking at the array of costumes, he goes "i have a skeleton in my body mommy."
is it ironic that i just ordered a kid book about the body & its insides?
what a smart boy :)
we were at the big k tonight shopping for costumes (we left empty-handed. thank god the the internet & online shopping!!)
little beast decided he wants to be a skeleton. i'm good with that.
as he's looking at the array of costumes, he goes "i have a skeleton in my body mommy."
is it ironic that i just ordered a kid book about the body & its insides?
what a smart boy :)
Monday, October 17, 2011
ugh
so much to update, so little time.
well, i could make time.
just not right now.
i attempted to work out today.
it didn't go as well as i'd hoped.
ugh.
better luck tomorrow......or later tonight if i'm feeling really fat!
well, i could make time.
just not right now.
i attempted to work out today.
it didn't go as well as i'd hoped.
ugh.
better luck tomorrow......or later tonight if i'm feeling really fat!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
progress? or just politeness?
so.....
real posts are coming eventually. promise.
but here's a quick one...
today dad met mr sunday.
::sigh::
no idea how either really felt. and i'm dying to know!!
i was hoping it was progress.
but i think it may have just been politeness.
ugh.
real posts are coming eventually. promise.
but here's a quick one...
today dad met mr sunday.
::sigh::
no idea how either really felt. and i'm dying to know!!
i was hoping it was progress.
but i think it may have just been politeness.
ugh.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
really?
you know that stuff about if he brings you to it he'll bring you through it?
well he must think i'm a helluva stronger than i do.
how much more am i supposed to shoulder??
really?
really god??
the blondies are sleeping.
but i know 1 mama who won't be.
every noise scares the shit out of me.
the tears won't stop.
it'll be a sleepless night.
with lots of praying......
and questioning.
well he must think i'm a helluva stronger than i do.
how much more am i supposed to shoulder??
really?
really god??
the blondies are sleeping.
but i know 1 mama who won't be.
every noise scares the shit out of me.
the tears won't stop.
it'll be a sleepless night.
with lots of praying......
and questioning.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
coming out of the closet
no, i'm not gay. i mean, i makeout with a chick here & there when i'm drunk, but that doesn't count :P
the other night i had THE most uncomfortable dinner with my parents.....ever. but i came out of the closet to dad about mr sunday.
the convo went something like this:
d: what are your plans tonight?
m: going to the driving range.
d: with who?
(mom beginning to smirk)
m: mr sunday
d: (mispronouncing) mr sumday?
m: no mr suNday
d: who's that?
m: my boyfriend.
d: hmm...that's a funny name
m: i guess so
d: where's he from?
m: india (although the smartass in me wanted to say the town we live in)
d: is he one of the ones people look at funny on an airplane?
m: no. he's pretty white & doesn't wear anything on his head.
d: oh. what's he do?
m: he's an accountant in hburg.
d: oh. what's he doing here?
m: taking the summer off. his parents live here.
d: hmmm.
and that's that. mr sunday is a little upset by dad's reaction. i was actually thrilled he didn't rip me a new asshole or throw me out of the house!
baby steps...
they're still steps, right?!
right.
the other night i had THE most uncomfortable dinner with my parents.....ever. but i came out of the closet to dad about mr sunday.
the convo went something like this:
d: what are your plans tonight?
m: going to the driving range.
d: with who?
(mom beginning to smirk)
m: mr sunday
d: (mispronouncing) mr sumday?
m: no mr suNday
d: who's that?
m: my boyfriend.
d: hmm...that's a funny name
m: i guess so
d: where's he from?
m: india (although the smartass in me wanted to say the town we live in)
d: is he one of the ones people look at funny on an airplane?
m: no. he's pretty white & doesn't wear anything on his head.
d: oh. what's he do?
m: he's an accountant in hburg.
d: oh. what's he doing here?
m: taking the summer off. his parents live here.
d: hmmm.
and that's that. mr sunday is a little upset by dad's reaction. i was actually thrilled he didn't rip me a new asshole or throw me out of the house!
baby steps...
they're still steps, right?!
right.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
kick 'em when they're down
aaannnddd for some added motivation.....
today the 2nd person, yes SECOND, in 3 weeks, yes THREE, asked if i'm knocked up.
fml.
it's time.
obviously.
past time.
today the 2nd person, yes SECOND, in 3 weeks, yes THREE, asked if i'm knocked up.
fml.
it's time.
obviously.
past time.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
some motivation please
sooooooooo with the way i've been eating & not working out i knew this day was coming.
i weighed myself tonight & saw a number i haven't seen since month 9 of each of my pregnancies.
200.
fuuuuuuuuck.
i like food. wait, i LOVE food. and i love all things that are bad for me!! i absolutely hate vegetables. if i could live on ice cream i'd be in heaven.
so, it's time.
time to do this for myself.
and my blondies.
feel free to leave some encouragement....
or call me a fatass! :)
i think a food journal may be in order, as well an exercise one.
tomorrow morning, 630am...i have a date...with the pavement :)
i weighed myself tonight & saw a number i haven't seen since month 9 of each of my pregnancies.
200.
fuuuuuuuuck.
i like food. wait, i LOVE food. and i love all things that are bad for me!! i absolutely hate vegetables. if i could live on ice cream i'd be in heaven.
so, it's time.
time to do this for myself.
and my blondies.
feel free to leave some encouragement....
or call me a fatass! :)
i think a food journal may be in order, as well an exercise one.
tomorrow morning, 630am...i have a date...with the pavement :)
Monday, July 25, 2011
i am a failure
yeah, i haven't blogged in awhile. my bad.
idk where to start.
i guess i'm hoping this post is therapeutic. but i'm guessing it won't do anything except make me even more miserable....if that's even possible.
i feel completely & utterly alone.
it looks like mr sunday & i are probably at the end of our relationship.....and over nothing really. me being stupid...and jealous. and him not understanding me. complete failure in the relationship department.
my bff here & i are about done as friends. and for nothing. we're just too different maybe. complete failure in the friendship department.
i went back to school...you know, finally graduated....trying to make a better life for the kids. but guess who still doesn't have a new job? that's right. complete failure in that department.
the kids never want to do anything with me. they much prefer their father. all i ever hear is that i'm mean & they dont love me. you guessed it...complete failure there too.
i clearly can't do anything right. i mean, i've heard that my whole life. (thanks dad) but i've tried so fucking hard to be better than that.
but right now, i clearly am a failure.
i hate myself.
i hate my life.
and i'm really starting to wonder if anyone would even notice if i just disappeared.
i don't think i even felt this low during the divorce. maybe because i was busy with school then. and my friends gave a shit & were here to pick me up when i was down.
but now....i have nothing. i am nothing.
if i wanted to be this miserable, i wouldve stayed married.
i thought my life was going to be better. that i was going to be better.
but i guess it's not. and i'm not.
i'm just gonna be a failure for the rest of my life....hope that's not too long.
idk where to start.
i guess i'm hoping this post is therapeutic. but i'm guessing it won't do anything except make me even more miserable....if that's even possible.
i feel completely & utterly alone.
it looks like mr sunday & i are probably at the end of our relationship.....and over nothing really. me being stupid...and jealous. and him not understanding me. complete failure in the relationship department.
my bff here & i are about done as friends. and for nothing. we're just too different maybe. complete failure in the friendship department.
i went back to school...you know, finally graduated....trying to make a better life for the kids. but guess who still doesn't have a new job? that's right. complete failure in that department.
the kids never want to do anything with me. they much prefer their father. all i ever hear is that i'm mean & they dont love me. you guessed it...complete failure there too.
i clearly can't do anything right. i mean, i've heard that my whole life. (thanks dad) but i've tried so fucking hard to be better than that.
but right now, i clearly am a failure.
i hate myself.
i hate my life.
and i'm really starting to wonder if anyone would even notice if i just disappeared.
i don't think i even felt this low during the divorce. maybe because i was busy with school then. and my friends gave a shit & were here to pick me up when i was down.
but now....i have nothing. i am nothing.
if i wanted to be this miserable, i wouldve stayed married.
i thought my life was going to be better. that i was going to be better.
but i guess it's not. and i'm not.
i'm just gonna be a failure for the rest of my life....hope that's not too long.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
happy not anniversary to me
july 5th....
the day i thought i married my best friend....
who'd be there through everything.....
sickness & health....
richer & poorer...
blah blah blah
happy not 8th anniversary to me!!
guess the 7 year itch paired with the screaming battles, split personalities, & general unhappiness was just a bit too much for us to handle....
the day i thought i married my best friend....
who'd be there through everything.....
sickness & health....
richer & poorer...
blah blah blah
happy not 8th anniversary to me!!
guess the 7 year itch paired with the screaming battles, split personalities, & general unhappiness was just a bit too much for us to handle....
Thursday, June 2, 2011
if i die young
we've all heard this song, right?
the band perry.
if i die young, bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
well....i'm 29...but i guess that's young to die. and although i realize this isn't anywhere near legal, i feel like i need to put this out there because i'm either gonna have a heart attack or stroke out.
you see...just when i thought the worst times were behind me, the shit hit the fan again. why am i always so fucking wrong????
so here goes....
whatever you do, do NOT leave me in a vegetative state. pull the plug. donate my organs :D
be sure the kids know how much i love them & that i would've given anything to make sure they were happy. apologize for the times i was a shittyass mom. have my body cremated. choose a day like today...a perfect day...75, sunny, light breeze & scatter my ashes somewhere i was happy....probably MN....on a lake or something. just remember i hate the ocean & i hate sand. and i've always wanted to vacation in africa & stay in a treehouse.
and, most importantly, make sure the blondies are taken care of & always surrounded by those who put their best interests first. sis, that means with OUR family.
ok, now it's time for me to attempt sleep.....before having the heart attack or stroking out!
the band perry.
if i die young, bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
well....i'm 29...but i guess that's young to die. and although i realize this isn't anywhere near legal, i feel like i need to put this out there because i'm either gonna have a heart attack or stroke out.
you see...just when i thought the worst times were behind me, the shit hit the fan again. why am i always so fucking wrong????
so here goes....
whatever you do, do NOT leave me in a vegetative state. pull the plug. donate my organs :D
be sure the kids know how much i love them & that i would've given anything to make sure they were happy. apologize for the times i was a shittyass mom. have my body cremated. choose a day like today...a perfect day...75, sunny, light breeze & scatter my ashes somewhere i was happy....probably MN....on a lake or something. just remember i hate the ocean & i hate sand. and i've always wanted to vacation in africa & stay in a treehouse.
and, most importantly, make sure the blondies are taken care of & always surrounded by those who put their best interests first. sis, that means with OUR family.
ok, now it's time for me to attempt sleep.....before having the heart attack or stroking out!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Dear M: A Reprise
Dear M,
FYI it is NOT ok to blow off your children for a girl.
but don't worry....i'm fending off the why aren't we with daddy tonight questions. and the kids are great. and i'm still fucking supermom.
i talked to him last night. and he was already hesitant about picking up the kids tonight. i knew exactly where it was leading. i even explained to him that i have chemo VERY early in the morning, so i really needed him to get the kids tonight. he called me at work today, trying to be all light & funny. then he dropped the bomb i knew was coming....."i'm not getting the kids tonight."
shocker.
i've been fending off questions all day. and just now he finally fessed up he's with a chick. and she & her son will be with them tomorrow night at a baseball game.
now, i am NOT jealous. i'd be very happy to see him in a relationship. his deal since we've split is to fuck 'em & leave 'em. you know the type....get laid & never call again. so if he'd chill out with 1 chick that'd be great. and maybe he'd be less of an asshole to me.
HOWEVER....1 or 2 dates doesn't equal getting to meet my children. nor does it mean having your kid around mine.
yes, my kids have met mr sunday. but he & i have been dating for awhile. and there's some sort of future there. idk what just yet, but he'll be around for quite some time.
but this shit is ridiculous.
so, my dear ex-husband...please grow the fuck up. stop thinking with your dick & start thinking with your tiny, pea-sized brain. be a father. or else give them up. you fought so hard for your time with them. thanks for proving is was all about the money & getting your support lowered.
oh, and don't worry. the kids are already realizing what you are.
and that most definitely is NOT a father.
FYI it is NOT ok to blow off your children for a girl.
but don't worry....i'm fending off the why aren't we with daddy tonight questions. and the kids are great. and i'm still fucking supermom.
i talked to him last night. and he was already hesitant about picking up the kids tonight. i knew exactly where it was leading. i even explained to him that i have chemo VERY early in the morning, so i really needed him to get the kids tonight. he called me at work today, trying to be all light & funny. then he dropped the bomb i knew was coming....."i'm not getting the kids tonight."
shocker.
i've been fending off questions all day. and just now he finally fessed up he's with a chick. and she & her son will be with them tomorrow night at a baseball game.
now, i am NOT jealous. i'd be very happy to see him in a relationship. his deal since we've split is to fuck 'em & leave 'em. you know the type....get laid & never call again. so if he'd chill out with 1 chick that'd be great. and maybe he'd be less of an asshole to me.
HOWEVER....1 or 2 dates doesn't equal getting to meet my children. nor does it mean having your kid around mine.
yes, my kids have met mr sunday. but he & i have been dating for awhile. and there's some sort of future there. idk what just yet, but he'll be around for quite some time.
but this shit is ridiculous.
so, my dear ex-husband...please grow the fuck up. stop thinking with your dick & start thinking with your tiny, pea-sized brain. be a father. or else give them up. you fought so hard for your time with them. thanks for proving is was all about the money & getting your support lowered.
oh, and don't worry. the kids are already realizing what you are.
and that most definitely is NOT a father.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
tooth #3
princess rae lost tooth #3 tonight!!!!
i was at the kitchen table with my mom & neighbor when rae came trotting in....bloodied mouth & tooth in hand!!!
woohoo!!! no more watching her wiggle that thing. totally grosses me out!!!
now, if i can just outlast them tonight to stay awake & play tooth fairy.
fingers crossed they crash out soon!!!
i was at the kitchen table with my mom & neighbor when rae came trotting in....bloodied mouth & tooth in hand!!!
woohoo!!! no more watching her wiggle that thing. totally grosses me out!!!
now, if i can just outlast them tonight to stay awake & play tooth fairy.
fingers crossed they crash out soon!!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
a little lonely
so.....mr sunday left yesterday for the motherland.
saturday night was R.O.U.G.H.
yesterday was too.
and this morning.
you see, since we started dating we've talked every single day. there hasn't been a day when i haven't heard his voice. and although i didn't always spend time with him, i knew i could contact him. the past few weeks he's been in town & i've seen him almost every day.
so this is tough.
it's the little things. sure, i miss hugs & kisses. laughing. triple chocolate meltdowns with an extra scoop of ice cream & 2 spoons. and of course i miss hearing his voice. but it's the little tiny things.
i miss the good morning texts the most. the dumb pics we send. making stupid faces.
i'm not sure i really realized how important he'd become. or how tough this would be. but the more i'm with him the less i want to be apart.
i've dated a handful of guys since M & i split. but none has come even close to mr sunday. they were all great guys. but they weren't him.
today was tough....i found a job i'm very interested in trying to get. this is major because i've been really down about not finding anything. i couldn't text him or call him.
i had chemo today....couldn't text him to pass the time then either.
wanted to tell him something about his "brother." couldnt do that.
when the hell did he become so important? and when the hell did i become so dependent on texting? or texting him anyway??
idk.
i just know that june 23 can't possibly come soon enough so i can smile like this again
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I DID IT!!!!
a handful of pics to follow, i promise!!
but
I DID IT!!!!
i graduated today!!!!
and this time, i really did :D
mom went with me.
and mr sunday showed up to snap a few photos, even though he's sick.
so, as difficult as the past year has been....and as expensive as it's been (out of my own pocket!).....I DID IT. and it was totally worth it.
to my mom---thanks for all the extra help with the kids & the cheering section :D
to my siblings---thanks for being part of the cheering squad too
to my friends---the same thing. your support has been amazing
to both mr sunday & captain slacker---thanks for the love & encouragement
to my coworkers---thanks for not getting too angry when i did homework on the clock :P
and to my beautiful blondies---thanks for being so understanding when mommy wasn't home. i did this so we can have a better life. I LOVE YOU.
so that's that.
11 years after i started, i finished.
now what do i do?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
today's fun
sooooooooo way back sometime last summer apparently, matt let some friends borrow our john deere....without my knowledge. these people were OUR friends. a married couple with 2 kids. they came to visit us in MN & we spent lots of time together. i've know the wife since middle school & we were best friends for a long, loooong time. but they have since taken matt's side in the divorce.
i saw her & their daughter at the hair place the other day & she wouldn't even look at me....acted like i wasn't there. fine. really. i'm ok with it.
i got the mower in the divorce. i have asked matt repeatedly to get it from them & back in the storage unit until i need it. so, for shits & giggles, i dropped by the storage unit today. no mower. here's the fun texting that followed.
me: soooooo...just stopped by the storage.....
him: what about it?
me: its missing something
him: your corpse
classy. at what point am i allowed to do something about all this? pfa? restraining order? do i have anything? or do i just have to deal with it?
oh...in GREAT news....i took my 2 finals today!!!
i.am.FINISHED!!!!
my undergrad career is officially over.
graduation is saturday!!! :D
i saw her & their daughter at the hair place the other day & she wouldn't even look at me....acted like i wasn't there. fine. really. i'm ok with it.
i got the mower in the divorce. i have asked matt repeatedly to get it from them & back in the storage unit until i need it. so, for shits & giggles, i dropped by the storage unit today. no mower. here's the fun texting that followed.
me: soooooo...just stopped by the storage.....
him: what about it?
me: its missing something
him: your corpse
classy. at what point am i allowed to do something about all this? pfa? restraining order? do i have anything? or do i just have to deal with it?
oh...in GREAT news....i took my 2 finals today!!!
i.am.FINISHED!!!!
my undergrad career is officially over.
graduation is saturday!!! :D
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Dear M
it's been quite some time since i've done a post entirely directed at M. it's about time, don't you think?? welcome to my world.
dear M,
your text message are the best ever.
"I hope you do have cancer and you die a very slow and painful death. i will come piss o. Your grave and rub one out on your tombstone."
classic. thank you. i love them.
know what i love even more? your phone calls!
20 minutes of "i'll be happy when you're dead," "you're a cum dumpster," & "hindu cunt" are my favorites. i also thoroughly enjoy "you're a whore," "i'll take you to court every day," & "go fuck your hindu boyfriend."
keep 'em coming M. you make my day. every day.
you know what i honestly love, though? i have the 2 best parts of you laying in their beds just down the hall. i hate the way you talk to me. i hate the way you treat me. but i will always love you. you gave me the best gifts anyone could ever ask for. you can keep saying these awful things. and you can keep hurting me. but i will always smile when i look at the beautiful blondies you gave me. you can be mad. and you can be jealous that i've moved on. but you can never take away my reasons for getting up every morning.
you know what i've learned M? life sucks. it's hard. it's unfair. and it never goes as planned. but it's worth every second. especially when you put the blondies first instead of yourself.
dear M,
your text message are the best ever.
"I hope you do have cancer and you die a very slow and painful death. i will come piss o. Your grave and rub one out on your tombstone."
classic. thank you. i love them.
know what i love even more? your phone calls!
20 minutes of "i'll be happy when you're dead," "you're a cum dumpster," & "hindu cunt" are my favorites. i also thoroughly enjoy "you're a whore," "i'll take you to court every day," & "go fuck your hindu boyfriend."
keep 'em coming M. you make my day. every day.
you know what i honestly love, though? i have the 2 best parts of you laying in their beds just down the hall. i hate the way you talk to me. i hate the way you treat me. but i will always love you. you gave me the best gifts anyone could ever ask for. you can keep saying these awful things. and you can keep hurting me. but i will always smile when i look at the beautiful blondies you gave me. you can be mad. and you can be jealous that i've moved on. but you can never take away my reasons for getting up every morning.
you know what i've learned M? life sucks. it's hard. it's unfair. and it never goes as planned. but it's worth every second. especially when you put the blondies first instead of yourself.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
random saturday night thoughts
(i stole that from my sis who does random friday night thoughts on fb often!!)
so.....it's easter eve.
the kids are in bed....not sure if they're sleeping yet!
we had a BLAST coloring eggs.
their father is being a total douchebag.
dropping F bombs all over the fucking place with me.
screaming at me.
no idea why.
he's a douchebag.
lovelovelove that my sis & her kids live a mere 2 hours away now.
bring on the sister shopping trips we haven't had in almost 2 years.
mr sunday & i are fabulous.
but he leaves 2 weeks from tomorrow for his 7 weeks in the motherland. :(
apparently my bro is getting hitched in july.
finally.
but why didn't i find out til 2 weeks later?
and by overhearing dad tell M?
why did dad ask if M was going to family easter tomorrow?
um FUCK no.
he's not family anymore.
graduation is 2 weeks from today!!
holy shit.
swamped with homework, projects, & studying.
but almost done.
have applied for about 10 jobs.
don't expect even an interview from a single one.
health is total shit.
levels are back in the tank.
start "chemo" again next week. (relax, iron ivs, remember?)
6 weeks this time instead of just 4.
answered a lot of questions about poop at my appointment.
doing an occult test (pooping & smearing it on a little card. delicous.)
flipping the fuck out that i have colon cancer.
web md is satan
most importantly......
drumroll please...
the divorce is FINAL.
i've apparently been single for 8 days now.
signed by sir judge d on 4/14.
happy belated birthday to me.
moving on & up.
life. is. good.
and only getting better.
so.....it's easter eve.
the kids are in bed....not sure if they're sleeping yet!
we had a BLAST coloring eggs.
their father is being a total douchebag.
dropping F bombs all over the fucking place with me.
screaming at me.
no idea why.
he's a douchebag.
lovelovelove that my sis & her kids live a mere 2 hours away now.
bring on the sister shopping trips we haven't had in almost 2 years.
mr sunday & i are fabulous.
but he leaves 2 weeks from tomorrow for his 7 weeks in the motherland. :(
apparently my bro is getting hitched in july.
finally.
but why didn't i find out til 2 weeks later?
and by overhearing dad tell M?
why did dad ask if M was going to family easter tomorrow?
um FUCK no.
he's not family anymore.
graduation is 2 weeks from today!!
holy shit.
swamped with homework, projects, & studying.
but almost done.
have applied for about 10 jobs.
don't expect even an interview from a single one.
health is total shit.
levels are back in the tank.
start "chemo" again next week. (relax, iron ivs, remember?)
6 weeks this time instead of just 4.
answered a lot of questions about poop at my appointment.
doing an occult test (pooping & smearing it on a little card. delicous.)
flipping the fuck out that i have colon cancer.
web md is satan
most importantly......
drumroll please...
the divorce is FINAL.
i've apparently been single for 8 days now.
signed by sir judge d on 4/14.
happy belated birthday to me.
moving on & up.
life. is. good.
and only getting better.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
damn doc
soooooo it's my birthday. yay me for making it 29 years! i vow to make my last year of my 20s utterly amazing.....surrounding myself with the best friends ever, being more assertive, & hopefully finding a new job!!! but enough of that. i'd like to give a huge public thank you to my fave doc's office for the following message: hi alison...it's kathy from doc's office. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! i have a present for you!! you need more iron IVs! call me back tomorrow! grrrrrr....i know i need more "chemo." my body is all effed up right now. i can feel it. but i don't have time!! so thanks kath for the bday present! :P now....off to write a paper, fill out a job app, & hit up my fave watering hole with a huge group of fanfuckingtastic friends!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
finally
although the divorce is NOT final....
i legally changed my last name today!!! i'm officially back to my maiden name. :D
now onto the pain in the ass process of changing it on EVERYTHING.
ugh.
i legally changed my last name today!!! i'm officially back to my maiden name. :D
now onto the pain in the ass process of changing it on EVERYTHING.
ugh.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
nerd alert
just a quick update....
i got an A- on my other midterm.
i'm not at all happy about that minus part, but i'll take the A.
7 weeks to graduation!!
i got an A- on my other midterm.
i'm not at all happy about that minus part, but i'll take the A.
7 weeks to graduation!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
bragging...just for a sec
so, i started back to class today after spring break last week.....
at the end of brit lit, dr mc was ready to hand back our midterms. he said something to the effect of some grades were a little low...this is expected...this is the toughest test of the semester...some of you should come talk to me about it later......blahblahblah.
i thought the test was difficult when i took it & this chatter made me that much more worried about my grade.
he was handing them back....he called my name...but instead of just handing it back like the rest he opened it up first & looked at it. holy shit. what does THAT mean????
i opened it up.....
A+
oh it gets better!!
a little note that says "outstanding alison. best in the class."
WHAAAAAAAAAAT????
i haven't even ever opened my mouth in that class & i aced the midterm??? highest grade in the class???
GO ME!!!!
damn i'm smart!
ok, enough bragging now.
mr sunday & i are gonna celebrate this weekend :D
feel free to raise a glass too :P
(oh wait, he's 20. he can't! hahahahahaha)
at the end of brit lit, dr mc was ready to hand back our midterms. he said something to the effect of some grades were a little low...this is expected...this is the toughest test of the semester...some of you should come talk to me about it later......blahblahblah.
i thought the test was difficult when i took it & this chatter made me that much more worried about my grade.
he was handing them back....he called my name...but instead of just handing it back like the rest he opened it up first & looked at it. holy shit. what does THAT mean????
i opened it up.....
A+
oh it gets better!!
a little note that says "outstanding alison. best in the class."
WHAAAAAAAAAAT????
i haven't even ever opened my mouth in that class & i aced the midterm??? highest grade in the class???
GO ME!!!!
damn i'm smart!
ok, enough bragging now.
mr sunday & i are gonna celebrate this weekend :D
feel free to raise a glass too :P
(oh wait, he's 20. he can't! hahahahahaha)
Sunday, March 13, 2011
happiness.....with a little closed-mindedness
so....those of you keeping up with my fb statuses lately might have noticed a little difference. they're typically happy....upbeat....excited. and that pretty much describes me right now. :D
so let's try to have a (mostly) happy post for a change!!
i've said before that i don't like to blog about my personal life. but ima do it right now anyway. :D
there's this boy....(now, i usually use the word boy anyway instead of man but it's actually semi-appropriate this time! :P) i met him about 18 months ago. and honestly, that 1st night, i couldn't stand him. young, loud, annoying. that's what i thought. a couple months ago we started talking a little more. nothing major. some texts here & there. lots of joking.
he graduated from BU & took a job in hburg (about 2 hours away). the night before he moved my bff (who happens to be his chick bff too) & i took him out for dinner to celebrate. we were sitting there talking and laughing and bam! it hit me. i was somehow, wildly interested in him.
i don't know what it was or what happened. but for the next couple weeks i couldn't stop thinking about him. 3 weeks ago we were texting, totally joking around as usual. he said something, & i said "well i AM single now." and he came back at me with "well then would you like to go out this weekend?"
WHAT?????
FREAL????
i said yes.....and then wondered if it was a joke. i mean, we'd never discussed it. and why in the hell would HE be interested in ME???
let's rewind. you wanna get to know him? go ahead....laugh. we laugh too.
for blog purposes, we're gonna call him mr sunday. (his name means "sun")
he's 20. i'm 28. yep.
he's too young to even really consider having a family. i come with 2 kids.
he's indian. i'm obviously not.
and this is where it gets messy. his parents would ideally like him with a nice, young indian girl....who doesn't bring 2 white, blonde-headed babies along!! i ended up coming clean to my mom about him. (matt told my dad i was with an ex 1 day. i told my mom i was with him, not an ex) my parents are incredibly closed-minded. i, obviously, am amazingly open-minded. so mom gave me hell first about dating while i'm "still married." hello? we've been separated for almost 9 months & are getting divorced. plus, our lawyers are all about us moving on & being with other people. and 2nd, because he's indian. she said "mr sunday....doesn't sound like he fits into our family. get rid of him."
excuse me?
because he's indian?
WOOOOOOOOOOOW.
but not surprised.
my mouth hung open & i walked out of the room. i was so flabbergasted i couldn't even say a word to defend him. so here we go.....
yes, he's 20. yes, he hasn't really thought about a family of his own. and yes, he's indian.
but at 20, he's already graduated from college with a bachelor's degree. hard working? uh, yeah. he has zero, YES ZERO, debt from school. he worked to put himself through school. his credit score is almost perfect. (yes, this is important to me!) he has a great job. he's stable, financially & emotionally. he's amazing with kids. he hasn't been around mine yet, obviously. but we've discussed the fact that i have an insta-family. and he's cool. we've had lots of talks about it. he treats me like a total princess.....opens doors, kisses my cheeks, is totally understanding & patient. oh, and he's tall, dark, & handsome. sweet lord is he attractive!
he makes me happy. period.
and you'd think that with all the shit in my life right now, my mom would be happy that i'm happy. but she's just not there yet. we won't even really discuss dad. i mean, he & matt are practically bffs....and daddy somehow still has hope we'll work things out. negative dad. sorry.
i don't know what the future holds. but if things keep going the way they are, i'd say he'll be around long enough to meet my family. i'm hoping they decide to focus on all the good. because honestly, there isn't anything negative. not yet anyway.
well, except that he DOES break out the dreaded M word every now & then.
MOM! :P
seriously, though, i'm happy. and if you ask me, it's about damn time.
so let's try to have a (mostly) happy post for a change!!
i've said before that i don't like to blog about my personal life. but ima do it right now anyway. :D
there's this boy....(now, i usually use the word boy anyway instead of man but it's actually semi-appropriate this time! :P) i met him about 18 months ago. and honestly, that 1st night, i couldn't stand him. young, loud, annoying. that's what i thought. a couple months ago we started talking a little more. nothing major. some texts here & there. lots of joking.
he graduated from BU & took a job in hburg (about 2 hours away). the night before he moved my bff (who happens to be his chick bff too) & i took him out for dinner to celebrate. we were sitting there talking and laughing and bam! it hit me. i was somehow, wildly interested in him.
i don't know what it was or what happened. but for the next couple weeks i couldn't stop thinking about him. 3 weeks ago we were texting, totally joking around as usual. he said something, & i said "well i AM single now." and he came back at me with "well then would you like to go out this weekend?"
WHAT?????
FREAL????
i said yes.....and then wondered if it was a joke. i mean, we'd never discussed it. and why in the hell would HE be interested in ME???
let's rewind. you wanna get to know him? go ahead....laugh. we laugh too.
for blog purposes, we're gonna call him mr sunday. (his name means "sun")
he's 20. i'm 28. yep.
he's too young to even really consider having a family. i come with 2 kids.
he's indian. i'm obviously not.
and this is where it gets messy. his parents would ideally like him with a nice, young indian girl....who doesn't bring 2 white, blonde-headed babies along!! i ended up coming clean to my mom about him. (matt told my dad i was with an ex 1 day. i told my mom i was with him, not an ex) my parents are incredibly closed-minded. i, obviously, am amazingly open-minded. so mom gave me hell first about dating while i'm "still married." hello? we've been separated for almost 9 months & are getting divorced. plus, our lawyers are all about us moving on & being with other people. and 2nd, because he's indian. she said "mr sunday....doesn't sound like he fits into our family. get rid of him."
excuse me?
because he's indian?
WOOOOOOOOOOOW.
but not surprised.
my mouth hung open & i walked out of the room. i was so flabbergasted i couldn't even say a word to defend him. so here we go.....
yes, he's 20. yes, he hasn't really thought about a family of his own. and yes, he's indian.
but at 20, he's already graduated from college with a bachelor's degree. hard working? uh, yeah. he has zero, YES ZERO, debt from school. he worked to put himself through school. his credit score is almost perfect. (yes, this is important to me!) he has a great job. he's stable, financially & emotionally. he's amazing with kids. he hasn't been around mine yet, obviously. but we've discussed the fact that i have an insta-family. and he's cool. we've had lots of talks about it. he treats me like a total princess.....opens doors, kisses my cheeks, is totally understanding & patient. oh, and he's tall, dark, & handsome. sweet lord is he attractive!
he makes me happy. period.
and you'd think that with all the shit in my life right now, my mom would be happy that i'm happy. but she's just not there yet. we won't even really discuss dad. i mean, he & matt are practically bffs....and daddy somehow still has hope we'll work things out. negative dad. sorry.
i don't know what the future holds. but if things keep going the way they are, i'd say he'll be around long enough to meet my family. i'm hoping they decide to focus on all the good. because honestly, there isn't anything negative. not yet anyway.
well, except that he DOES break out the dreaded M word every now & then.
MOM! :P
seriously, though, i'm happy. and if you ask me, it's about damn time.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
i prayed the wrong prayer
so....a couple weeks ago M & i had a custody conference. it was the 2 of us, our 2 lawyers, & a special master (who really is just another lawyer). informal.
going in, i prayed that the special master would be fair.
CLEARLY this was the wrong prayer.
i lost primary physical custody because M's schedule allows him to have a ton of time with the kids. we now share joint custody.
ugh.
fuck me.
i just got the papers in the mail today. and i'll be appealing. i'm SO not ok with this situation....especially given M's mental state. (more on that some other day)
so, instead of being ready to end this whole thing quickly, we'll be heading in for more conferences & hearings. greeeeeat.
but it'll be worth every second, every penny, & every sleepless, worry-filled night.
but this time, i'll pray the right prayer.
going in, i prayed that the special master would be fair.
CLEARLY this was the wrong prayer.
i lost primary physical custody because M's schedule allows him to have a ton of time with the kids. we now share joint custody.
ugh.
fuck me.
i just got the papers in the mail today. and i'll be appealing. i'm SO not ok with this situation....especially given M's mental state. (more on that some other day)
so, instead of being ready to end this whole thing quickly, we'll be heading in for more conferences & hearings. greeeeeat.
but it'll be worth every second, every penny, & every sleepless, worry-filled night.
but this time, i'll pray the right prayer.
Monday, February 21, 2011
forbearance
so....M & i were in church at the same time for the 1st time since the split. wow. can you say uncomfortable? you see, a good chunk of my own family doesn't even know we're divorcing let alone our church family. wait, MY church family. he's not religious. he just goes because i make him take the kids.
so what's the sermon about? forbearance. yep, turning the other cheek. now, i haven't been perfect at this through the divorce. i openly admit that. i have lost my patience & blown up at M several times. but i am trying. god knows i'm trying to be the bigger person. but it's hard. (oh fyi things are back to shit with him. more on that in a few.)
so when p-rod starting talking, i started listening. i didn't zone out one single time. we should mark that on the calendar! :P M, on the other hand, apparently zoned the whole time.
but this post isn't about him. it's actually about my brother.
you see, my bro & i aren't on speaking terms. only he doesn't know that. at least, i don't think he does. but who knows. and idk if he reads this or if his girlfriend does. but here we go....
last spring we attempted to start a tradition---sibling vacations. in may we all met in nyc. big bro lived there, big sis flew in, his gf flew in, M & i drove in. it was AWESOME. so much fun. :D
so this summer, the plan is kayaking in pa. now, i'm not very outdoors-y. scratch that. i'm totally high maintenance. but, for the sake of the sibling trip i was gonna suck up tent-life for a week & kayak.
then comes christmas.....i learn that the sibling trip is now a sibling & father trip. our dad is going. his gf's dad is going. i'm cool with this. what i'm not cool with is what happened next.
i am apparently uninvited.
ok...i can deal with this. i get that i'm not the most fun person to camp with. i much prefer a bed, a shower, & lounging by the pool.
then i find out that M is invited.
ummmm, excuse me????????????
he's not family anymore. get it?
or did you miss how horrible he's been to me through this? or the texts he's sent me???? hmmm???? i'll show you. honestly.
so i've been super pissy about this since christmas. i haven't talked to my bro. haven't even sent him a stupid text.
but, i listened to p-rod in church yesterday. so i'm gonna let it go. if they want to take M, let them.
(but i'll be he ruins it anyway!)
onto a quick update.....
~kids are fabulous.
~i'm doing better. a bit stressed still but better.
~i got my 1st injection of the new drug this past friday. yay!!!
~i got yelled at by my nurse for my high bp. and then by my doc for my low counts.....AGAIN.
~i talked to my advisor...i just need to fill out 1 more paper & i'm clear for graduation 5/7!!!
~custody battle begins wednesday :( a quick prayer would be appreciated. he's being ridiculous. wants 50/50 custody but now doesn't want to see them. ummmmm, hello? they're your children. wtf?
~am generally happy....and optimistic :D (maybe more on that later....but we'll see!!)
so what's the sermon about? forbearance. yep, turning the other cheek. now, i haven't been perfect at this through the divorce. i openly admit that. i have lost my patience & blown up at M several times. but i am trying. god knows i'm trying to be the bigger person. but it's hard. (oh fyi things are back to shit with him. more on that in a few.)
so when p-rod starting talking, i started listening. i didn't zone out one single time. we should mark that on the calendar! :P M, on the other hand, apparently zoned the whole time.
but this post isn't about him. it's actually about my brother.
you see, my bro & i aren't on speaking terms. only he doesn't know that. at least, i don't think he does. but who knows. and idk if he reads this or if his girlfriend does. but here we go....
last spring we attempted to start a tradition---sibling vacations. in may we all met in nyc. big bro lived there, big sis flew in, his gf flew in, M & i drove in. it was AWESOME. so much fun. :D
so this summer, the plan is kayaking in pa. now, i'm not very outdoors-y. scratch that. i'm totally high maintenance. but, for the sake of the sibling trip i was gonna suck up tent-life for a week & kayak.
then comes christmas.....i learn that the sibling trip is now a sibling & father trip. our dad is going. his gf's dad is going. i'm cool with this. what i'm not cool with is what happened next.
i am apparently uninvited.
ok...i can deal with this. i get that i'm not the most fun person to camp with. i much prefer a bed, a shower, & lounging by the pool.
then i find out that M is invited.
ummmm, excuse me????????????
he's not family anymore. get it?
or did you miss how horrible he's been to me through this? or the texts he's sent me???? hmmm???? i'll show you. honestly.
so i've been super pissy about this since christmas. i haven't talked to my bro. haven't even sent him a stupid text.
but, i listened to p-rod in church yesterday. so i'm gonna let it go. if they want to take M, let them.
(but i'll be he ruins it anyway!)
onto a quick update.....
~kids are fabulous.
~i'm doing better. a bit stressed still but better.
~i got my 1st injection of the new drug this past friday. yay!!!
~i got yelled at by my nurse for my high bp. and then by my doc for my low counts.....AGAIN.
~i talked to my advisor...i just need to fill out 1 more paper & i'm clear for graduation 5/7!!!
~custody battle begins wednesday :( a quick prayer would be appreciated. he's being ridiculous. wants 50/50 custody but now doesn't want to see them. ummmmm, hello? they're your children. wtf?
~am generally happy....and optimistic :D (maybe more on that later....but we'll see!!)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
i'm gonna SCREAM
ugh.
just when i thought life was getting better.....
i should've known better. i can't ever catch a break.
really. matt's been SO much nicer. we've been able to talk, to be in the same room, even have lunch today. it's been great. we're friendly. and i think the kids see it. it's about time.
don't get all excited. we ARE getting divorced. but at least we aren't at each other's throats.
and i got the ball rolling on my new meds, so hopefully i'll be starting those in the next 2 weeks.
so of course the rest of my life had to go to shit.
school is ok. it's pretty easy but still time-consuming & that stresses me out. and when i stress, i'm not the best mom.
my english advisor wants to discuss some of my coursework with me before she forwards my application. wtf? what could possibly be wrong now? she won't give me any hints, so i'm going into our meeting on thursday completely blind. that stresses me out. and when i stress, i'm not the best mom.
and when my kids don't listen, i'm not the best mom.
so tonight when they didn't listen i told them tomorrow night after their church choice practice they can come home, take baths, & go right to bed. my own mother then responded "are you spending ANY time with them?"
SERIOUSLY???
when i come home from work the kids are typically doing what they want. rae's on the computer listening to music & beast is playing the wii. it's the same every night. i get home after 7 & want them in bed between 8 & 830. i'm doing the best i can.
but
i.am.stressed.
so i'll scream.
or run to mexico.
i haven't decided which yet.
just when i thought life was getting better.....
i should've known better. i can't ever catch a break.
really. matt's been SO much nicer. we've been able to talk, to be in the same room, even have lunch today. it's been great. we're friendly. and i think the kids see it. it's about time.
don't get all excited. we ARE getting divorced. but at least we aren't at each other's throats.
and i got the ball rolling on my new meds, so hopefully i'll be starting those in the next 2 weeks.
so of course the rest of my life had to go to shit.
school is ok. it's pretty easy but still time-consuming & that stresses me out. and when i stress, i'm not the best mom.
my english advisor wants to discuss some of my coursework with me before she forwards my application. wtf? what could possibly be wrong now? she won't give me any hints, so i'm going into our meeting on thursday completely blind. that stresses me out. and when i stress, i'm not the best mom.
and when my kids don't listen, i'm not the best mom.
so tonight when they didn't listen i told them tomorrow night after their church choice practice they can come home, take baths, & go right to bed. my own mother then responded "are you spending ANY time with them?"
SERIOUSLY???
when i come home from work the kids are typically doing what they want. rae's on the computer listening to music & beast is playing the wii. it's the same every night. i get home after 7 & want them in bed between 8 & 830. i'm doing the best i can.
but
i.am.stressed.
so i'll scream.
or run to mexico.
i haven't decided which yet.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
o captain, my captain
could also be titled a little effing effort :D
where do i begin? i rarely talk about my personal life....as in relationships...or lack thereof. a couple reasons...this blog is public. matt tends to read it. and my mom might. not sure. (although i think if she did i'd probably catch hell for calling god a fucktard a few posts back!!)
but quite honestly, he doesn't need to know about my personal life & she disagrees with me dating. (even though my lawyer says it's perfectly ok!!)
but, i feel like i need to vent a little bit.....and it started with a boy.
i call him captain slacker. he started out as just captain....stemming from our mutual love of, well, captain morgan of course!! his with coke. mine with diet. both with limes. the slacker part got added because he felt like he was slacking if he went even a few minutes without telling me how beautiful i am. (go ahead....gag!!)
things were fabulous....we talked all the time. we laughed....we live 400 miles apart!! it was good. more than good.
then we kinda fell apart. a lot happened.....we still talk. A LOT. and i miss him. and i think he misses me.
but here's the important part....the part i need to vent about....and maybe get some validation for.
i apparently am too needy. i ask too much in a partner. wanting to hear from someone every day, even a stupid text that says i'm crazybusy but thinking about you, is asking too much. expecting, when someone lives 400 miles away, to be told good night on the phone every night is too much. expecting someone to make 5 minutes every day just for me is asking too much. i work 40 hours a week, go to school part-time, and raise 2 kids (with help). but i make time. i'm up 18 hours a day. do the math. i sleep 6 hours a night. i am EXHAUSTED. but i make time. because i think it's important. and because captain slacker was important. IS important.
but i'm not here to bash captain slacker.
am i needy? yes. do i expect a lot? yes. too much? maybe.
i'm not perfect. i'm bullheaded, hot-tempered, bitchy, overweight.
BUT
i am supersmart, fun, funny, outgoing, likeable, pretty.
and i AM worth the effing effort.
period.
and someday, someone will realize that.
where do i begin? i rarely talk about my personal life....as in relationships...or lack thereof. a couple reasons...this blog is public. matt tends to read it. and my mom might. not sure. (although i think if she did i'd probably catch hell for calling god a fucktard a few posts back!!)
but quite honestly, he doesn't need to know about my personal life & she disagrees with me dating. (even though my lawyer says it's perfectly ok!!)
but, i feel like i need to vent a little bit.....and it started with a boy.
i call him captain slacker. he started out as just captain....stemming from our mutual love of, well, captain morgan of course!! his with coke. mine with diet. both with limes. the slacker part got added because he felt like he was slacking if he went even a few minutes without telling me how beautiful i am. (go ahead....gag!!)
things were fabulous....we talked all the time. we laughed....we live 400 miles apart!! it was good. more than good.
then we kinda fell apart. a lot happened.....we still talk. A LOT. and i miss him. and i think he misses me.
but here's the important part....the part i need to vent about....and maybe get some validation for.
i apparently am too needy. i ask too much in a partner. wanting to hear from someone every day, even a stupid text that says i'm crazybusy but thinking about you, is asking too much. expecting, when someone lives 400 miles away, to be told good night on the phone every night is too much. expecting someone to make 5 minutes every day just for me is asking too much. i work 40 hours a week, go to school part-time, and raise 2 kids (with help). but i make time. i'm up 18 hours a day. do the math. i sleep 6 hours a night. i am EXHAUSTED. but i make time. because i think it's important. and because captain slacker was important. IS important.
but i'm not here to bash captain slacker.
am i needy? yes. do i expect a lot? yes. too much? maybe.
i'm not perfect. i'm bullheaded, hot-tempered, bitchy, overweight.
BUT
i am supersmart, fun, funny, outgoing, likeable, pretty.
and i AM worth the effing effort.
period.
and someday, someone will realize that.
Monday, January 17, 2011
hopeful
idk where this post is going exactly. but i'll try!!
today, i am HOPEFUL.
it's been a long time coming. freal. when matt & i split 6 months ago, i didn't think i was strong enough to be on my own. alone. with kids. and a job. and school.
but I AM.
and although i am not completely on my own, i am strong. and i can do this. my parents are still a HUGE help. we do still live with them. but we are working on changing that.
for awhile after matt moved out & even after i officially filed for divorce, i felt hopeless. there were days & nights i cried for hours. racking sobs that i thought would never end. i had horrible thoughts. thoughts i don't even want to mention. i wanted to run & hide. or die. but i love my kids too much for that. and when i thought i couldn't be pushed any more, i was. and i lived. i got stronger.
and here i am. 3 weeks into 2011 & feeling great. amazing even.
i am finally hopeful.
i know i still have a few months of crap to live through. and that's ok. i know the next 3-4 months will fly by. i'll be so busy with the kids, work, & school that i won't have time to dwell on the big D. not that i'm dwelling anyway.
my lawyer made me hopeful today. things are going to be fine.
and my friends make me hopeful all the time.
and my new friends make me hopeful.
i mean, who knew there were such supportive people in this little town? people i merely knew OF before. now they're here. and they're amazing. (and they know who they are!!)
so finally I AM HOPEFUL.
life is good.
and it's only going to get better.
today, i am HOPEFUL.
it's been a long time coming. freal. when matt & i split 6 months ago, i didn't think i was strong enough to be on my own. alone. with kids. and a job. and school.
but I AM.
and although i am not completely on my own, i am strong. and i can do this. my parents are still a HUGE help. we do still live with them. but we are working on changing that.
for awhile after matt moved out & even after i officially filed for divorce, i felt hopeless. there were days & nights i cried for hours. racking sobs that i thought would never end. i had horrible thoughts. thoughts i don't even want to mention. i wanted to run & hide. or die. but i love my kids too much for that. and when i thought i couldn't be pushed any more, i was. and i lived. i got stronger.
and here i am. 3 weeks into 2011 & feeling great. amazing even.
i am finally hopeful.
i know i still have a few months of crap to live through. and that's ok. i know the next 3-4 months will fly by. i'll be so busy with the kids, work, & school that i won't have time to dwell on the big D. not that i'm dwelling anyway.
my lawyer made me hopeful today. things are going to be fine.
and my friends make me hopeful all the time.
and my new friends make me hopeful.
i mean, who knew there were such supportive people in this little town? people i merely knew OF before. now they're here. and they're amazing. (and they know who they are!!)
so finally I AM HOPEFUL.
life is good.
and it's only going to get better.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
super, super quick update
here we go.....
rae lost tooth #2 this week on 1/11/11!! w00t!!
beast is throwing fewer tantrums but they're still super tough to deal with. w00t!!
school starts for me next week. last semester!! w00t!!
new skin meds got approved through 2099!! w00t!!
and the divorce...oh the divorce. went to domestic relations for a support hearing. he didn't like the final numbers so we're going back again next week for his appeal. greeeeeat. meeting with my lawyer soon to discuss some sort of package offer or something. fingers crossed that next week goes well & the judge rules in my favor support-wise. and of course that this is all over. SOON.
real posts coming again soon.
promise.
:D
rae lost tooth #2 this week on 1/11/11!! w00t!!
beast is throwing fewer tantrums but they're still super tough to deal with. w00t!!
school starts for me next week. last semester!! w00t!!
new skin meds got approved through 2099!! w00t!!
and the divorce...oh the divorce. went to domestic relations for a support hearing. he didn't like the final numbers so we're going back again next week for his appeal. greeeeeat. meeting with my lawyer soon to discuss some sort of package offer or something. fingers crossed that next week goes well & the judge rules in my favor support-wise. and of course that this is all over. SOON.
real posts coming again soon.
promise.
:D
Saturday, January 1, 2011
good riddance 2010, hello 2011
let's start this by saying good riddance 2010! i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad you're over!!
let's do a quick year in review:
princess rae started kindergarten, turned 6, & lost her first tooth!!
beast started preschool, turned 4, & really started showing us his giant brain.....all while reverting back to the terrible 2s!
i found out who my true friends are & went back to school!!.....and still live with my parents.
and asked M to move out.
and here we are.....battling through an awful divorce i never thought would turn so ugly.
so hellllloooooooooooooo 2011!!!
here's to princess rae losing more teeth, beast calming down just a tiny bit, me finishing school & finding a new job, moving into our very own place, more exercise, less junk food, new friendships, a new relationship, and learning to be happy again.
11 hours in & 2011 is so far so good.
:D
let's do a quick year in review:
princess rae started kindergarten, turned 6, & lost her first tooth!!
beast started preschool, turned 4, & really started showing us his giant brain.....all while reverting back to the terrible 2s!
i found out who my true friends are & went back to school!!.....and still live with my parents.
and asked M to move out.
and here we are.....battling through an awful divorce i never thought would turn so ugly.
so hellllloooooooooooooo 2011!!!
here's to princess rae losing more teeth, beast calming down just a tiny bit, me finishing school & finding a new job, moving into our very own place, more exercise, less junk food, new friendships, a new relationship, and learning to be happy again.
11 hours in & 2011 is so far so good.
:D
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