a note to the big guy

dear god,

right now i think you are a total fucktard. i am very angry at you right now. and don't try to tell me you had a reason for doing what you did this week. i don't want to fucking hear it.

love,
ali

need me to start at the beginning? ok.

when the phone rings in this house after 10pm, it goes unanswered. always. it's usually work calling dad in for the night, so we all ignore it. sunday night at midnight the phone rang....and dad answered. bad sign #1. he didn't get to it in time, so he called someone. bad sign #2. he didn't get through. the phone rang again 10 minutes later. bad sign #3. he answered. bad sign #4. he told mom something (i couldn't hear what). then he got on the phone again, multiple times. bad signs #5, #6, & #7. and an hour later his cell phone rang. bad sign #8.

after bad sign #1 i knew what had happened. at least, i was pretty sure. and sure enough when i got up the next morning, mom met me in the hallway with the news. daddy's older brother had died. jay thomas keeny died in his sleep december 5, 2010 at age 60.

60.

for fuck's sake.

he left behind my aunt j, 2 sons l & l, and granddaughter e.

not to mention a thriving business with customers who had to be contacted immediately. what a mess.

i cried that morning. i cried for my family. i wasn't close to him. but i cried anyway. and i've cried every day since. in fact, i'm crying right now. shocking, i know.

and i'll cry again friday as we attend his memorial service & put him in the ground, just steps from my grandparents & great-grandparents.

i think the worst part of all, honestly, is seeing my dad in pain. dad is the middle child of 5. and i wouldn't say he was closest to my uncle jay, but they were very close in age. they played football together in high school. and i can only imagine the pain he feels now. and the reality. it could've been him. it could've been any of them. hell, it could've been one of us. and that realizaion is a tough pill for all of us to swallow.

i would die without my dad.
or my mom.
or my siblings.
(or obviously my kids)

fuck. it just sucks so bad.

i don't know what else to say.

so god....we have issues right now. thanks for doing this 3 weeks before christmas. you suck.