gone

that's it.

it's over.

he's gone.

and so is the pain.

grandpa's poor body succumbed to the cancer around noon today, august 20, 2009.
he's pain free.
and with grandma. (at least i tell myself that to make it easier)
nearly 13 long years apart. now they are back together.

he left behind quite a family....
5 kids
10 grandkids
11 great grandkids
1 great great grandkid (and another on the way)

(i think i counted correctly, but i could be wrong!)

so now, we will push through 1 more day of work before making the trip south.

we will visit with family and old friends (and gpa's crazy family, that's a post in itself!! they're mennonite!)

and we will say goodbye.

and be thankful the pain is gone.

the post i don't want to write

ok, so i've been putting this post off for an entire year now. yes, 1 WHOLE year. (and here's your warning: do not read this while at work. it may be a tear jerker)

here we go.....

i know i've discussed the death of both my grandma k & my grandpa b. while this post isn't officially about grandpa k's death, it IS about his health, which unfortunately is slowly & painfully leading to his death. right now. as i type this. :: sigh ::

this is my grandpa (wrestling r & b last labor day!)

this photo was taken about a week after he had surgery last year. the doctors told us they removed his cancer.....ALL of it. we were thankful beyond belief.

fast forward to this past spring (not sure exactly which month)....gpa goes in for a check-up. bad news: not only is the cancer back, but it's back with a vengeance. it's spreading. FAST.

being 85, gpa decides to skip treatment. i don't blame him. the docs say he's got 1 year w/o treatment, 2 with. i guess my grandpa figured that he's going to die anyway so he might as well try to live a happy life with minimal time spent in the hospital getting radiation & chemo that would make him feel sick & wouldn't really help anyway. i think we all (as in the whole fam) are perfectly fine with this decision. at his age, i'd make the same choice.

ok, fast forward again to this past week.....gpa goes into the hospital with stomach pain (keep in mind the cancer started in his colon so this is the same general area it's been spreading to). the docs obviously do a scan. and what do they find?! the cancer is, of course, spreading even more & is now IN his liver (so surgery is not an option). the doctors tell him they can do nothing & send him home.

a handful of the family got together this past weekend. gpa is jaundiced from the liver cancer, has lost some weight, & just looks plain tired & worn out. when he left the get-together, he did just that---left. no hugs, no goodbyes, no nothing. just walked out. maybe he doesn't know what to say. i know he's sick of us all asking how he's feeling. but just leave? really?! i'm 99% sure that was the last time i'll see him alive. home nurses are being set up this week & that will lead to hospice. those nurses are saints. i know. but once it gets that bad, i won't visit. i can't do it. call me selfish. i didn't visit gma k that last time. i didn't visit gpa b either. so this was it. i'm certain.

i'm no doctor, but i'm a smart girl. grandpa's got just weeks left. the reality has set in. i cry every day, & mattie doesn't know what to do to comfort me. i cry myself to sleep almost every night while he just lays there & listens to me sob. i'm fine with that. if he hugged me, it would probably just be worse. we moved back to PA so we wouldn't miss out on family gatherings, but we're too late. yes, we're still ecstatic we'll see my family more often. but it's so bittersweet.

the end is near for grandpa.
i just hope he's not in pain.