short, quick day

ok, i HAVE to write this quick because it's a gem. seriously.

let me clue you in.....rae is NOT allowed to have anything bratz related. can't stand'em.

so, out of the blue (seriously, no christmas or bratz commercials or anything in sight) she says, "when we go see santa in st cloud, i'm going to ask him for bratz. so YOU don't know."

if she only knew!!!

and while i'm typing, might as well write about our day. the kids slept in thankfully. rae had 2 bowls or cereal. beast had 4 waffles (and asked for more but i said no!). i did lots of cleaning in case someone wants to see my house now that it's listed. have i mentioned it's listed?! because it is!!!

i needed to get the kids out of the house for a couple hours because i think copper might have fleas & i wanted to set off bombs. they went out to the car, i got copper safely set up, & i set off the bombs.

we headed for some lunch at their favorite place---mcdonald's of course! they think it's a real treat to eat inside, so we did. it took almost an hour because they were too busy playing & waving at people going through the drive-thru.

then we headed back up to play at the elementary school playground. we'd never played there before & it was super fun. (i have a couple pics on my phone but don't have them on the computer yet). they had a BLAST....except for those rude ass kids on the big slides who wouldn't move. (and their dad was asleep in their van. classy.) i tried to get a little sun by laying on a bench. i can be just as classy as these real milacans you know!!

after we were all sufficiently tired, we came home. i made them stay outside while i cleaned up inside a bit. then they both got in trouble & were banished to their rooms. and wouldn't you know, little beast fell asleep. shit. it was just 5!!! he woke up, crabby as hell.

they've had dinner & snacks, so we're off to the tub! seriously hoping they're so zonked from the sun & the playing that they crash out early. 445 will come early tomorrow. blah.

(i promise, i'll get these boring posts out of my system soon. after the zoo post is up & the kids are gone. which, i've been tearing up about again. so then you'll hear about that. deal.)

the bucket list

so, i've never seen the movie the bucket list, but i'm pretty sure it has to do with things you want to do before you die. well, rae had her own bucket list to complete before the big move.



but 1st things 1st. when daddy left, we had to stay busy. so, we started making a countdown chain (just like i used to make to count down to christmas!)



rae helped me decorate the rings.


beast just goofed around. he wanted no part of the craft project.

i handled the top. this is what we are counting down to!!!

here are some of the finished rings (leaving on a jetplane has special meaning to mattie & me)

and here are the goobers with our finished project!! (fyi, we're now so close to the top that rae can't reach the rings to take them off!)

being touristy in minneapolis wasn't on rae's bucket list, but we did it anyway!!! we hung out at the sculpture gardens one sunday with some of our bestest buds! ok, here we go with the bucket list. the list looked a little something like this: milaca parade, twins game, moa, zoo, ptown friday night races.

we tackled the milaca parade first.

here's beast waiting patiently.

and rae waiting patiently.
and here are the 5 freaking firetrucks we saw. they were coming down the street to tell us the parade had been canceled.....

because the sky looked like this!!

so we headed to our friends' house (that would be the ulms!!) & hung out for the evening.

the rain lasted less than an hour & then it was lovely outside. too bad they canceled the parade & devastated princess rae!! they have since rescheduled it for this coming monday and we will, once again, be hanging out there with the ulms!!!

when friday rolled around, we headed down to the princeton races. my sister joined us & helped me wrestle beast!!!

i decided i want this job.....

here's rae with her hot pink ear protection!

and beast with his green!! he kept pulling them away from ears & saying "mommy that's too loud!" (but when he says it, it's more like "mommy that's too wowed!!") he took them off eventually anyway. so when he can't hear in 3 years, we'll know what to blame!

he did A LOT of yelling, "GO, GO, GO!!!" mostly at the pink hornet. that's right....his favorite was PINK. sometimes i worry about him. :)

i'd also really enjoy this job!

we did a VERY special father's day project, but i can't post it because mattie hasn't seen it yet. nor does he have any clue as to what it is!! promise to post info when i can!!!

we headed to moa with our friend nancy. we just road 2 rides, & the carousel was definitely the fave. rae & beast both LOVED it. after many tears & tantrums we left. i promised that we'd go back in august when they come to visit me. but we'll go on a weekday then!!!

so, in case you're keeping track, we've taken care of the ptown races & moa.

today, we did the zoo (separate post on that coming later. too exhausted now.)

monday we'll take care of the milaca parade.

the twins game won't be happening. but we'll do it in august for sure!!

i think that's her whole bucket list. beast didn't have one that i know of. i do, of course. but i've got a little more time to complete mine!!!

(in house news, the house is FINALLY on the market!!! it went on yesterday. fingers crossed that it sells quickly or else i get a job in PA so we can all be a family together very soon.)

dear m (a quick rant)

to my wonderful husband,

do NOT tell me how i am or am not handling this new situation. you aren't here.

you have NO idea what it's like to be the single parent. you have NO idea how it feels knowing that both your kids prefer their other parent. and you have NO idea how heartbreaking it is to hear "where is daddy?" whispered by your 2 year old son at 5 in the morning. nor do you have any idea how much it hurts at the same time, knowing you will NEVER live up to daddy....never be good enough.

i LOVE these kids more than anything. i'd do anything for them. i'd kill. i'd die. i'd do ANYTHING to keep them safe & make them happy. that includes living away from them for an unkown period of time.

you, m, have it easy. 25 more days & they are yours. BUT, you will have help. built-in help no less. and you will not have to say goodbye to them again. i, on the other hand, will have to say goodbye over & over & over as i travel back & forth halfway across the country numerous times to see their smiles, hear their laughter, & watch rae traipse into her new school on the 1st day.

so don't you EVER tell me again that i'm doing a piss poor job handling the situation.

i'm doing the best i can. i'm sorry if that's not good enough for you.

D-Day #1

no, i'm not talking about the same d-day that the president is this week.
i'm talking about our family d-day.

matt left today.
ugh.

last night we enjoyed a nice dinner at home & just hung out as a family. we filled out the last of the paperwork for his new job & finally went to bed exhausted. it was nearly midnight.

the alarm was set for 730 so we could eat 1 last family breakfast in this house. of course, i kept hitting snooze & before we knew it, it was 8!! mattied hopped up & took a quick shower. and, since he wanted to be on the road by 9 we skipped the pancake breakfast & just ate cereal in front of some cartoons. after all, that's pretty typical for us!!!

after some cereal, we loaded the last small items into the little old contour. i was already crying, as i have been steadily for the past 3 weeks!!!

the kids said goodbye with hugs & kisses for daddy & baron. they clearly have no idea how long 5 weeks is & no concept of this whole living apart stuff!!! mattie & i, on the other hand, were headcases. we cried & cried.

i walked him out to the car, said goodbye to baron, & gave mattie his last minute instructions----BE CAREFUL. i mean, this is hard enough. i don't need something happening to him on the way!

i came inside, sobbing, and waved out the window with the kids.

the little blue contour pulled out of the driveway, took its last drive on our little dirt road, & headed for the highway......




as hard as this is, i know it's for best. really, i do. it's just that in the past 6 years, mattie & i haven't been apart for more than 2 weeks. and those 2 weeks i was the one in PA. i took the kids there on my maternity leave with beast. so 5 weeks sounds like 100 years to me. i've never been the one stuck in this house. i love my house....but right now it feels like prison. it has to be clean at all times for showings. and quite honestly, i want to be the one going "home." PA is my home. and it has become mattie's too. but it's really mine. so this is SO hard. aside from being homesick, now i'm lonely (you know what i mean).

yes, i know my sister & my friends will help, but it's just not the same. some of my routine won't change that much....we're used to matt working a lot. so trips to the store & bathtime without him won't be too bad. but being the only parent is completely new. and yes, it's just for 5 weeks. but those 5 weeks can't go fast enough.

i tried telling myself that it's just 1 month. really, it is. today's the 6th. and the kids & i are flying out on the 4th. so it's less than 1 month----but june has 5 f'ing weeks. seriously! i can't get a break!!!

so, here's to hoping the next 5 weeks fly by.
although, that just means that d-day #2 (when i leave the kids in PA for good) is just around the corner.
fuck.
i can't win.


(EDIT---i just realized it's exactly 4 weeks from today that we go. i'm an emotional idiot. sorry! i can do 4 weeks. i really can!)
but it will all be worth it.
someday.
hopefully soon.

religious ramblings

ok, super quick one (come on, i've got waaaay too much to do! less than 48 hours til d-day #1)

remember this post? well, i've been doing some thinking.....

i'm still questioning all this religion stuff. really. i can't figure it out one way or another. but i'm trying. i'm really trying to figure out what i believe or don't believe. and it's not like i have someone to discuss this with. i mean, i know lots of people who would talk with me about it. but i want to discuss it only with mattie, & he doesn't know what to think either so he doesn't want to talk. such a man. ;)

anyway, lately i've started thinking that there just may be a god. i still doubt...a lot. and i still have doubts about the bible. seriously, that stuff just cannot be true. but i've been thinking there must be some higher power out there. and i've even been, GASP, praying. and not just praying for myself. yeah, i prayed that we'd get to move. and yes, we are. and i'm trying really, really hard to believe that we'll make it through this unscathed & that god has a reason for making it so hard.

but mainly, i've been praying for these boys---baby stellan (whom many of you follow) & baby josiah (mattie was in the marines with josiah's dad). reading about these families' faith & seeing the miracles that these little boys are has given me hope. is that the right word? i don't know. but it's made me start to question all this religion stuff.....again.

i'm nowhere near a decision on it all. but i can say i'm somewhere in the middle now instead of at one extreme or the other.

oh, and welcome to my fabulous daycare provider amy & her daughter tami jo!! they found me on facebook & in turn found my blog!! (shoot, now they'll know what i'm really like--- swearing sailor mouth, bad mom, & all!!)






(in other news---i've become fb friends with some of mattie's family. i'm seriously hoping they don't read this blog. remember? i don't typically speak highly of his family. and yes, there are still major issues. :) but we'll deal. as far as we're concerned, the kids have 1 set of grandparents---you know, the ones they'll be living with in a few weeks! oh, and his mom thinks she might just drive on up to PA & pick up the kids. over my dead body!)

the last party

this past friday we had mattie's going away party.

now, we are definitely party people!! our parties typically consist of the best dessert ever, lots of alcohol, & lots of bullshitting well into the night.

friday was no different. and i apologize, there is no photo evidence!!!

some of our friends from the area & some of mattie's fave coworkers came over. we watched the twins game, passed around bottles of champagne, & generally were just having a great time. we made fun of other coworkers who weren't there & those who were!

one of our friends who's a cop came over & was an incredibly good sport when the drunkards starting asking questions about his job, his mase (or is it mace?), his gun, his radio, his everything. i was dying with laughter. it was so hilarious.

we partied until nearly 3am, at which point eric (a coworker of matt's) helped me drag mattie inside to bed!! it was clear that mattie was done for after lots of beer, some swigs of asti, & more jack shots than i can count!! he started getting emotional, so we knew he was toast!!! eric camped out on the couch & i camped out on the living room floor for awhile because i couldn't take the snoring!! eventually i crawled back into bed.....and slept nearly all day saturday.

saturday evening mattie & i enjoyed our last date until july. we headed to red lobster for a delish dinner & did a tiny bit of shopping. (thanks sis for keeping the kids)

sunday was spent getting the house ready to sell!!! (separate post on that later, i'm sure!)

so, with the party under our belts & mattie's last day of work coming to an end in 2 hours we look to the future. reality is starting to set in again----he's leaving in 2 days. wow. then it's countdown time for the kids & me!!! 5 weeks until we fly to PA!!!


in other moving news.....
we gave our daycare notice. it's early yet, but i need her to be prepared for whatever reaction the kids have to mattie leaving this weekend. she & her family are sad but completely understand. they expect lots of pictures & promise to visit----as long as they can park their camper in my parents' yard! so that was a huge weight off my shoulders. they're the best people we could ever ask for to help us raise our kids.

my employer still doesn't know, but i'm considering telling them just so i actually do get laid off. that would mean 10 weeks of severance/health benefits & i could move. screw the house!!!

ok, that's it. a total rambling of crap! there's just too much going on for me to actually write a decent, cohesive post right now, ok?! :)