to church or not to church?

(obviously i don't reread what i've written or spell check. deal.)

so, i'm typically not open at all about my thoughts on religion in general, let alone organized religion. i've been to church approximately twice in the past year. my kids do not know who jesus is. they only mention they hear of god is when i say goddamn or oh my god.

this absolutely disgusts my MIL. and i'd bet my own mom isn't all that happy about it, but she at least doesn't corner me about it every time she sees me.

church was shoved in my face growing up. i went to sunday school & church every week, no exceptions. i even was active.

then i started to form my own thoughts. currently, i don't think i believe any of it. yeah, i had the kids baptised. if there's a god, they shouldn't be punished for my decisions. i send up the occasional prayer just in case. but i have serious doubts.

i am NOT asking for anyone to preach to me about this or try to change me. this is obviously something i have to figure out on my own. unfortunately, i'm the kind of person who needs some serious problem & a miracle to follow to believe. and it has to happen to me, not someone i know. that's just where i'm at right now.

all this is coming up b/c it's ash wednesday. now, although i lack pretty much all things church in my life, ash wednesday has always been on of my favorite services. i haven't been to church in this town ever, & we've been here for over 3 years. but all of a sudden i feel the need to try one out tonight. alone. no mattie. no kids. i'm probably choosing this day because ash wednesday services are not always the biggest. and honestly, i'd rather not see anyone i know there.

but we'll see. i know how wishy-washy i am, & i'll bet that dinner, tv, & hanging out with the fam will win. but we'll see.

we'll see.

{edit: it's 6:45. church starts in 15 minutes. haven't showered. haven't eaten. not going. better luck next time..}