forbearance

so....M & i were in church at the same time for the 1st time since the split. wow. can you say uncomfortable? you see, a good chunk of my own family doesn't even know we're divorcing let alone our church family. wait, MY church family. he's not religious. he just goes because i make him take the kids.

so what's the sermon about? forbearance. yep, turning the other cheek. now, i haven't been perfect at this through the divorce. i openly admit that. i have lost my patience & blown up at M several times. but i am trying. god knows i'm trying to be the bigger person. but it's hard. (oh fyi things are back to shit with him. more on that in a few.)

so when p-rod starting talking, i started listening. i didn't zone out one single time. we should mark that on the calendar! :P M, on the other hand, apparently zoned the whole time.

but this post isn't about him. it's actually about my brother.

you see, my bro & i aren't on speaking terms. only he doesn't know that. at least, i don't think he does. but who knows. and idk if he reads this or if his girlfriend does. but here we go....

last spring we attempted to start a tradition---sibling vacations. in may we all met in nyc. big bro lived there, big sis flew in, his gf flew in, M & i drove in. it was AWESOME. so much fun. :D

so this summer, the plan is kayaking in pa. now, i'm not very outdoors-y. scratch that. i'm totally high maintenance. but, for the sake of the sibling trip i was gonna suck up tent-life for a week & kayak.

then comes christmas.....i learn that the sibling trip is now a sibling & father trip. our dad is going. his gf's dad is going. i'm cool with this. what i'm not cool with is what happened next.

i am apparently uninvited.

ok...i can deal with this. i get that i'm not the most fun person to camp with. i much prefer a bed, a shower, & lounging by the pool.

then i find out that M is invited.

ummmm, excuse me????????????

he's not family anymore. get it?

or did you miss how horrible he's been to me through this? or the texts he's sent me???? hmmm???? i'll show you. honestly.

so i've been super pissy about this since christmas. i haven't talked to my bro. haven't even sent him a stupid text.

but, i listened to p-rod in church yesterday. so i'm gonna let it go. if they want to take M, let them.

(but i'll be he ruins it anyway!)


onto a quick update.....
~kids are fabulous.
~i'm doing better. a bit stressed still but better.
~i got my 1st injection of the new drug this past friday. yay!!!
~i got yelled at by my nurse for my high bp. and then by my doc for my low counts.....AGAIN.
~i talked to my advisor...i just need to fill out 1 more paper & i'm clear for graduation 5/7!!!
~custody battle begins wednesday :( a quick prayer would be appreciated. he's being ridiculous. wants 50/50 custody but now doesn't want to see them. ummmmm, hello? they're your children. wtf?
~am generally happy....and optimistic :D (maybe more on that later....but we'll see!!)

i'm gonna SCREAM

ugh.

just when i thought life was getting better.....

i should've known better. i can't ever catch a break.

really. matt's been SO much nicer. we've been able to talk, to be in the same room, even have lunch today. it's been great. we're friendly. and i think the kids see it. it's about time.

don't get all excited. we ARE getting divorced. but at least we aren't at each other's throats.

and i got the ball rolling on my new meds, so hopefully i'll be starting those in the next 2 weeks.

so of course the rest of my life had to go to shit.

school is ok. it's pretty easy but still time-consuming & that stresses me out. and when i stress, i'm not the best mom.

my english advisor wants to discuss some of my coursework with me before she forwards my application. wtf? what could possibly be wrong now? she won't give me any hints, so i'm going into our meeting on thursday completely blind. that stresses me out. and when i stress, i'm not the best mom.

and when my kids don't listen, i'm not the best mom.

so tonight when they didn't listen i told them tomorrow night after their church choice practice they can come home, take baths, & go right to bed. my own mother then responded "are you spending ANY time with them?"

SERIOUSLY???

when i come home from work the kids are typically doing what they want. rae's on the computer listening to music & beast is playing the wii. it's the same every night. i get home after 7 & want them in bed between 8 & 830. i'm doing the best i can.

but

i.am.stressed.

so i'll scream.

or run to mexico.

i haven't decided which yet.