reality

so, we're coming up on the year anniversary of the divorce being final. and honestly life is pretty good. i'm much happier. but more importantly, the kids are loving life. they've handled the divorce surprisingly well and really understand that matt & i are better apart.

the kids & i have been in our apartment for 6 or 7 months now. and while we like it, we're ready for a house. so the house hunt has begun!

this past saturday the kids & i checked out a cute brick & stone house in a fabulous neighborhood. as in, quiet, pricey, gorgeous. and a house i could never afford in a regular market. the kids fell in love with it immediately. it needs some prettying up. and my realtor believes it'll need a new furnace & roof in the next 5 years or so. holy scary. but the price is right.

tonight, i looked at a gorgeous home with a huge yard.....in a horrible neighborhood. and, while i adore the house (freal!!), i can't live in that area. and my realtor wholeheartedly agrees. he didn't even want me to look at that house! but i'm stubborn :)

tonight while we were there chatting & getting ready to leave, i broke down. the past 2 times i looked at houses, i was married to matt. i could bounce ideas off of him about properties, and i had his income to rely on. so tonight reality set in.

i am alone.

the big decisions are mine.

the finances are mine.

the responsibility is mine.

ALL MINE.

i don't regret the divorce. not for a second.

but this is a HUGE step. a scary step.

am i rushing things? maybe a bit. but i know we're ready.

part of me wishes i could count on a future with a partner's income. but i know i can't do that. i lived for the future with ravi and learned my lesson.

i'm living for now.

and that means a house.

that's my reality.

up

you know how in my 100th post i mentioned that i think my life is full of polar opposites?? well, go check out the blog post title from just over a week ago. i do believe it's titled down.

and yes, this one is titled up.

i still don't need a man to make me happy.

but this post is about a man. actually men. but it'll end up being about a man. :D

where to start?

ok, also in that 100th post i mentioned that i joined match. well, i started emailing a couple guys and then texting a couple i felt comfortable with.

it boiled down to 2. J & B. i'll keep their names a secret for now....you know, protect the innocent :P

i really didn't feel like i was totally clicking with J, but he's from the same town so i kept texting anyway. then he sent an updated pic and holy crap....he's adorable :) so i agreed to go out with him this past sunday.

at the same time i was totally digging B. he lives about an hour from here but we just kinda clicked. we're both total smartasses so we had fun texting. he's cute, but he's not J. i agreed to go out with him yesterday (monday).

so here i am with 2 first dates in 2 days. awesome. and horribly stressful!!!

i decided i should get a little prettied up for these dates. so saturday i figured i'd go get my hair did, get a mani/pedi, and go shopping.

J & i were texting that morning & he mentioned he needed to get a haircut as well. (you know where this is going, right?) i figured there was no chance he'd end up where i was. i mean, there are a bunch of hair places & barbers. now, i tell my stylist everything. EVERYTHING. but i wouldn't tell her the name of my date. first of all, i wanted to make my own judgment without any influence from someone else. and second, i didn't know his last name! so i'm there with no make-up on and sporting crapped out clothes. she's straightening my hair and who walks in? oh yeah. J. i did a double take and started to flip out. now during this time, you need to know that a weirdo dude was getting a haircut as well. apparently my stylist heard someone say something about a date so she asked me if i knew the person i was going out with. i said no. well, she started dying. she was laughing & flipping out. and i got really nervous and started laughing. we were absolutely hysterical. and while we were dying, J looked over & i thought for sure he had recognized me. i was terrified he'd change his mind because i was not looking good. and while this is all going on, one of the other stylists just keeps saying my name over & over in conversation. so finally my stylist mentions something about my date being hispanic and i said no he's not. she was like what? you're not going out with that weirdo that just left? i said no, i'm going out with the hot guy in the other chair!! so we started dying with laughter all over again because we had such horrible miscommunication. we weren't just not on the same page....we weren't even reading the same book.

so J pays & leaves. i thought for sure he'd text me to cancel, but he didn't text anything at all. so i shot him a quick message that said nice to see you. and he was like what?? and then he realized i was at the same hair place. but he honestly didn't pay attention to anyone in that place and had no idea i was there. it was hilarious.

also, my stylist actually knows J from school and she told me he's a great guy and has a great family. she totally gave me her blessing. so that helped calm the nerves quite a bit. and i was able to find out his last name and fb stalk him :)

after my hair, i went and got some lovely hot pink fingers & toes and then headed to the mall for some date clothes :) i was totally ready for sunday night :)

so sunday night rolls around and J texted that he'd pick me up at my place. i told him the address and he said oh that's the gray building across from ::this certain place:: i totally freaked out. i mean, who knows that shit from an address?? turns out his best bud lives right behind me.

so, we go out for dinner. and we have great conversation. we both kind of agree that there's no point in doing this if we aren't going to be completely honest right from the start. so, knowing that his ex cheated on him, i tell him i cheated on matt. oy. bombshell #1. so then he proceeds to tell me that his divorce isn't final. whoa. bombshell #2. she won't sign the papers. they've been separated for over 2 years but she won't sign them. so now he has to wait out the 2 years since he signed them to get a judge to sign off on it without her john hancock. fml.

after dinner we went to a brewery for a quick beer (he drank his and mine b/c i hate beer!). then we went to a lake & just talked. we ended up at my place for the night. no sex though!! just cuddling in bed and talking. amazing.

so monday rolls around...and i can't stop thinking about J all day at work. but i have a date with B scheduled. so i get changed at work at the end of the day. B and i had agreed that he would text me when he got out of work (he doesn't work a regular 9-5 job like i do). but i never hear from him!!! i even gave him an extra hour. i still haven't heard from him. so, idk if i should text him or what. i mean, i'm kind of relieved at this point that we didn't go out, but still. i don't want to leave it this way if it was just miscommuniation. ugh.

anyway, so J came over & spent the night last night. we stayed up til 4 this morning. it was fabulous. and he's fabulous. he has his kids (9 year old boy, 4 year old girl) for the next week so i won't get to see him. that totally sucks. but i love that he has his kids every other week. he's a totally devoted dad. and that's amazing. he's got things in his past he isn't proud of, but so do i. so instead of focusing on that, we're focusing on the future...the part we can change.

what else do you need to know? oh, he's 35. he's from this little town. there are just a ton of coincidences...i mean, he knows my bro from high school. his best bud lives behind me. his house is about 4 blocks away from my place. he wasn't going to get back on match at all but his friends persuaded him. then he wasn't gonna talk to me bc i didn't have a pic up. then i wasn't gonna pay to be able to email on there. it's like all this crazy stuff had to happen....and it did.

and i'm so thankful right now. he's awesome. we click. it's easy with him. easy to be me. easy to be honest.

it's amazing.

and i'm totally stoked to see what happens.

that down feeling? gone. washed away. completely.

this girl has her confidence & happiness back.

life is good :)

100th post

it's my 100th post (FINALLY!), so you know what that means, right?!

you're gonna sit & read 100 facts you never wanted to know about me :D

ready? set? GO!!!

1. i LOVE my name. the whole thing. always have.
2. i have gray eyes. not blue. gray.
3. i hate the way my eyes disappear when i smile.
4. i love to smile.
5. i am NOT looking foward to the smile lines i'm going to have around my tiny, gray eyes!
6. i change my hair color every couple months.
7. i've been finding gray hairs.
8. gray hairs make me cry :(
9. sometimes a good cry is the only thing i know to do.
10. i'm trying to remain positive :)
11. i LOVE my friends.
12. i LOVE my family more.
13. i LOVE my kids most.
14. i am currently being driven absolutely nuts by my children who refuse to go to bed.
15. i consider myself lucky to have 2 siblings.
16. i have a favorite brother.
17. i also have a favorite sister.
18. i've played the piano since 2nd grade.
19. i've had psoriasis since 3rd.
20. i've been engaged twice.
21. i've been married once.
22. i'd love to try one more time :)
23. i'd LOVE to make more babies :D
24. i joined match today.
25. i've been pleasantly surprised to find it's not full of creepy men!
26. i love singing.
27. i'm the crazy driver who's too busy singing & dancing to pay attention to driving!
28. i can't imagine ever living away from my parents again.
29. but i miss MN something fierce.
30. i'm tired of doing this dumb list already.
31. i think i'd die without my nivea lip stuff.
32. i suffer from uncontrollable anemia.
33. i'm lazy.
34. i believe those 2 are connected.
35. i love my job.
36. i adore my coworkers.
37. i miss my formeer coworkers.
38. i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up.
39. i don't believe in horoscopes.
40. i'm a complete aries.
41. i'm obsessed with weddings.
42. i love romantic comedies.
43. being obsessed with wedding & loving romantic comedies is not a good combination.
44. i love nice things.
45. i realize money doesn't buy happiness.
46. i feel like i'm a complete crazed mess of polar opposites.
47. i love getting flowers.
48. i love having doors opened for me.
49. i think chivalry is dead.
50. i could eat pizza & ice cream every day.
51. i'm slightly overweight.
52. i prefer to be called curvy :)
53. i'm funny.
54. i'm crazy smart.
55. i am NOT full of myself.
56. i lack self-confidence.
57. i blame my siblings for stealing the crazy, crazy brains & crazy good looks.
58. i also blame them for being the skinny ones :P
59. i look just like my grandma k.
60. i'd love to get a portrait of her & my grandpa tattooed on my back.
61. i have concerns about how that will go over with potential boy toys ;P
61. i'm about to turn 30.
62. i still feel 22.
63. i still act 22.
64. i'm 99% sure i'm getting my nose pierced this week.
65. i'm also 99% sure i'm getting a tattoo for my birthday as well.
66. my mother will kill me if i do either of these.
67. i've always been good at pissing her off :)
68. i have the daughter my mom always wished upon me.
69. i can't wait for my daughter to have that same kind of daughter :)
70. i don't proofread my blog posts.
71. i say some dumb shit sometimes.
72. i'm what you'd call blunt.
73. i am the proud owner of a useless college degree.
74. i really am proud of that degree.
75. i just realized i didn't mention my SIL in my sibling info.
76. i totally have a favorite SIL :D
77. i don't see my extended family nearly enough.
78. i started going to church again when matt & i split.
79. i never would've gotten through that mess without church.
80. i still cry almost every sunday in church.
81. i love babies.
82. i hate teenagers.
83. i find it completely ironic that i went to school to teach teeenagers but now i hate them.
84. i hate cleaning.
85. i'm not a good cook.
86. clearly that makes me horrible gf & wife material :P
87. i kissed a girl.
88. i liked it ;)
89. i love to tan.
90. i will end up with cancer someday.
91. i hate the beach.
92. i love dogs.
93. i hate dog hair.
94. i hate hair in general.
95 i have monkey toes.
96. i need a pedicure.
97. i need a hair cut.
98. i desperately need a dye job.
99. i love my living room.
100. i love my bed even more.

good night y'all.

down

i know, i know. i haven't blogged in awhile (but i have a new laptop now so i can!!). and when i have blogged, i've been a total debbie downer. that's not changing tonight. fyi. so stop reading if you want. someday i'll do a happy post. just not right now.

and here's my standard disclaimer before i keep writing: i do NOT need a man to be happy. it's usual part of my issue right now.

so, as usual, ravi & i have been up & down lately. i mean, technically we're broken up. but we still talk & text, so idk what you call it.

but he's crazy busy at work, obviously. it's tax season. and up until this past week, we've dealt with that. he would text and email when he could. call every night or at least every other night. we were relaxed. it was nice. it started to feel like the old us, where there was no pressure. then this week, he decides he's too busy. can't even give me 5 minutes a day & an hour on the weekends. idk wtf to think.

so last night i go drink with some friends. and yes, i got a little carried away. ok, a lot carried away. i was up ralphing until 430 this morning. and i was a hot mess.

i've been kind of a hot mess all weekend. there's been a lot of crying. it doesn't help that i'm all hormonal thanks to aunt flo coming this week. and the romantic comedies sure as hell don't help.

but in general, i've just been down lately.

not necessarily depressed. i don't think i'm at that point yet. but down, definitely.

i love my job. my boss is great. my coworkers make me laugh every day.

but when i come home, i flip at the kids over the smallest things. i am so mean. i am stressed. i did clean most of the apartment this weekend, so hopefully that won't stress me out as much anymore.

i'm stressed because i'd like to buy a house in the next couple months.

i'm stressed because matt is still a douchebag.

i'm just stressed.

and down.

and lonely.

and that is really hard for me to deal with.

i love my friends. they are amazing.

but they can't make me feel not lonely.

maybe i feel this way because i'm having a 1/3 life crisis. i mean, i AM turning the big 3-0 in a few short weeks. and i AM freaking a tiny bit. i don't feel old by any means. yes, i am planning on celebrating....with a new tattoo and a nose piercing.

i think it's more of where i'm at in my life that bothers me.

i'm a planner. and my life is NOT at all how i envisioned.

i'm not in a house.
i'm not married.
i don't have 3-5 kids.

i know. it's so stupid to think of it that way. but that's me. irrational. emotional.

so back to it.....

i just feel so damn lonely.

i just want a nice guy who wants to go out maybe once a week but who's perfectly happy to stay home the other nights. someone who's perfectly happy to cuddle in bed yet doesn't expect sex on the first date. who can deal with my emotional self. who brings flowers occasionally just because. and who knows what he has in me while we're together instead of after it's over.

i have some great guy friends.

i was engaged a long time ago. and that person is now absolutely one of my best friends. we go out for dinner at least once a week when we can. we have a blast. but we can't cross that line again.

i have another guy friend who i used to hang out with. but he can't get over my past and thinks we're too different to work anything out. he's the only man i've never told a lie to. and to me, that means something. but he doesn't get it.

i have the standard group who are always up for sex but nothing else (god, i hope my mom doesn't read this!).

and the couple who are interested in me but who i just am not interested in.

oh and let's not forget the one i cheated on matt with. yes, while i'm at it, i might as well make that public knowledge. when i was married, i had an affair. i have never, ever been faithful to anyone. ever. and i'm so, SO scared i will not find that kind of love again. like he was my 1 real chance.

so where are all the nice guys? do i really have to go online and look? because i sure as hell can't find one around here.

i mean, i don't always have the most self-confidence. but i've been better lately. i still have weight to lose. but i've lost about 12 pounds. i feel fairly pretty. i'm smart. i'm funny. i'm outgoing.

but i don't feel like me.

and i don't know what it's gonna take.

i'm just sick of feeling down.

sick of feeling like my life isn't what it's supposed to be.

sick of feeling like a stranger to myself.

sick.