o captain, my captain

could also be titled a little effing effort :D

where do i begin? i rarely talk about my personal life....as in relationships...or lack thereof. a couple reasons...this blog is public. matt tends to read it. and my mom might. not sure. (although i think if she did i'd probably catch hell for calling god a fucktard a few posts back!!)
but quite honestly, he doesn't need to know about my personal life & she disagrees with me dating. (even though my lawyer says it's perfectly ok!!)

but, i feel like i need to vent a little bit.....and it started with a boy.

i call him captain slacker. he started out as just captain....stemming from our mutual love of, well, captain morgan of course!! his with coke. mine with diet. both with limes. the slacker part got added because he felt like he was slacking if he went even a few minutes without telling me how beautiful i am. (go ahead....gag!!)

things were fabulous....we talked all the time. we laughed....we live 400 miles apart!! it was good. more than good.

then we kinda fell apart. a lot happened.....we still talk. A LOT. and i miss him. and i think he misses me.

but here's the important part....the part i need to vent about....and maybe get some validation for.

i apparently am too needy. i ask too much in a partner. wanting to hear from someone every day, even a stupid text that says i'm crazybusy but thinking about you, is asking too much. expecting, when someone lives 400 miles away, to be told good night on the phone every night is too much. expecting someone to make 5 minutes every day just for me is asking too much. i work 40 hours a week, go to school part-time, and raise 2 kids (with help). but i make time. i'm up 18 hours a day. do the math. i sleep 6 hours a night. i am EXHAUSTED. but i make time. because i think it's important. and because captain slacker was important. IS important.

but i'm not here to bash captain slacker.

am i needy? yes. do i expect a lot? yes. too much? maybe.

i'm not perfect. i'm bullheaded, hot-tempered, bitchy, overweight.

BUT

i am supersmart, fun, funny, outgoing, likeable, pretty.

and i AM worth the effing effort.

period.

and someday, someone will realize that.

hopeful

idk where this post is going exactly. but i'll try!!

today, i am HOPEFUL.

it's been a long time coming. freal. when matt & i split 6 months ago, i didn't think i was strong enough to be on my own. alone. with kids. and a job. and school.

but I AM.

and although i am not completely on my own, i am strong. and i can do this. my parents are still a HUGE help. we do still live with them. but we are working on changing that.

for awhile after matt moved out & even after i officially filed for divorce, i felt hopeless. there were days & nights i cried for hours. racking sobs that i thought would never end. i had horrible thoughts. thoughts i don't even want to mention. i wanted to run & hide. or die. but i love my kids too much for that. and when i thought i couldn't be pushed any more, i was. and i lived. i got stronger.

and here i am. 3 weeks into 2011 & feeling great. amazing even.

i am finally hopeful.

i know i still have a few months of crap to live through. and that's ok. i know the next 3-4 months will fly by. i'll be so busy with the kids, work, & school that i won't have time to dwell on the big D. not that i'm dwelling anyway.

my lawyer made me hopeful today. things are going to be fine.

and my friends make me hopeful all the time.

and my new friends make me hopeful.

i mean, who knew there were such supportive people in this little town? people i merely knew OF before. now they're here. and they're amazing. (and they know who they are!!)

so finally I AM HOPEFUL.

life is good.
and it's only going to get better.

super, super quick update

here we go.....

rae lost tooth #2 this week on 1/11/11!! w00t!!
beast is throwing fewer tantrums but they're still super tough to deal with. w00t!!
school starts for me next week. last semester!! w00t!!
new skin meds got approved through 2099!! w00t!!
and the divorce...oh the divorce. went to domestic relations for a support hearing. he didn't like the final numbers so we're going back again next week for his appeal. greeeeeat. meeting with my lawyer soon to discuss some sort of package offer or something. fingers crossed that next week goes well & the judge rules in my favor support-wise. and of course that this is all over. SOON.

real posts coming again soon.
promise.
:D

good riddance 2010, hello 2011

let's start this by saying good riddance 2010! i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad you're over!!

let's do a quick year in review:

princess rae started kindergarten, turned 6, & lost her first tooth!!
beast started preschool, turned 4, & really started showing us his giant brain.....all while reverting back to the terrible 2s!
i found out who my true friends are & went back to school!!.....and still live with my parents.

and asked M to move out.

and here we are.....battling through an awful divorce i never thought would turn so ugly.

so hellllloooooooooooooo 2011!!!

here's to princess rae losing more teeth, beast calming down just a tiny bit, me finishing school & finding a new job, moving into our very own place, more exercise, less junk food, new friendships, a new relationship, and learning to be happy again.

11 hours in & 2011 is so far so good.

:D