rainy days and sundays always get me down

so....here goes nothing.

the big, bad break-up update.

no alcohol (and for the record, i dumped my drink out last night. couldn't do it.)

guaranteed to be a jumbled mess of thoughts. just try to follow along!

first, let's do a proper introduction. this is mr sunday. his real name is ravi. (like robbie but with a V) the pics are from vacation.....family vacation :) and it was so much fun!!

anyway....back to the big, bad break-up....

ravi & i have had a pretty amazing relationship since february. don't get me wrong....living 100 miles apart is tough. but we did our best. always. we texted all day at work, talked every night before bed, and saw each other nearly every weekend. we were on the same page (mostly!) about the future. our biggest worry was how could we possibly afford a ring, wedding, & house all in the next 15 months. yes, the ring is semi-chosen, the venue chosen, the date set, the dress picked, the mixing of cultures & traditions sorted out.

but the past few weeks had gotten a little tumultuous....and it's my fault. this pyscho bitch decided she wanted flowers and wasn't gonna stop bitching til she got them! and anything else ravi could come up with. now, you have to understand, ravi has always been amazing at making me feel super loved, beautiful, and wanted. always. i just didn't realize this until today. he's not the most romantic, and he thinks flowers are a waste of money, but he's pretty fucking amazing.

the past few weeks i've turned into the worst girlfriend ever. period. so when he brought gifts this past weekend (candles for the new place & chocolate), i was shocked. but loved every second.

anyway....i've been so pyscho i've said things like:

other guys have treated me better.

i lived through a divorce. i can live through a break-up.

you don't do enough for me.

i don't wanna see you this weekend (that was last weekend. we ended up spending the weekend apart but not because i said that.)

blahblahblah.

well.....the weekend came. friday night i came home & he was already here...yay! and with the gifts. (he's never gotten gifts for any other girl) we ate, cuddled on the loveseat all evening, reconnected, and slept in each other's arms again after 2 weeks apart. it was amazing. i LOVE waking up next to him.

saturday we were both pretty busy and didn't see each other. the kids wanted to stay with my mom, so we were gonna go to our favorite bar and dance the night away. well, my mom made me feel like she didn't want the kids and i started feeling guilty. plus, ravi had a family dinner that was gonna last til about 10. so, i decided i didn't want to go out. oy vey. let the drama begin. he texted amy (our mutual best friend....who has been in the middle of most of our arguments). she texted me, and the battle began. i said things to her i shouldn't have and we aren't speaking now. it's rough working with your bff who you're not talking to. oops. and i was so angry & hurt that ravi was going out instead of spending time with me & the kids (he hasn't seen them much lately), that i let my anger get the best of me. i told him to go to hell, bring my key back, and leave. so he did. i considered going out but just couldn't bring myself to do it. never once did i say i wanted to break-up.

sunday rolled around. i figured we'd go grab lunch, talk about the night before, take our usual sunday afternoon nap, and fix everything. unfortunately, ravi read what i had said as a break-up & told me it was over. (although he says he didn't dump me....so what exactly happened?) we cried for an hour or so. he went back to his parents' to pack. then he came back. i so badly wanted to hand him his key and have things magically be fixed. but that didn't happen. we cried for another 2 hours and he left. (oh yeah, and the pics of him dancing with amy that ended up on fb really hurt, even though they're just friends)

it was awful.

since then i have cried nearly non-stop, not eaten much, thrown up what i have eaten, passed out in the shower & gotten a nasty swollen & bruised hip. oy. (i have eaten dinner and it's stayed down....because he & i have talked & i am cautiously optimistic)

we joked a little on the phone earlier tonight. we're planning on talking a bit more tonight & going for dinner next weekend (not this weekend...he has his next cpa exam monday & wants to focus on studying)

he understands where i'm coming from about some of the stuff...the pics for sure. and the hurt, anger, and jealousy. i just can't figure out exactly how a break-up came out of this. i didn't say it. and he says he didn't say it....so how are we broken up? clearly we have some serious communication issues!

the deal is this....neither of us is perfect. but we're amazing together. we've both made mistakes. i'm more than ready to own up to mine & fix things. ravi makes me a better person, a better mom. i don't want to be with anyone but him. period. i never thought i'd fall for a younger guy....especially not an indian one :P but i did. and now i don't want to live without him.

i guess only time will tell. they say if you love someone, let them go.

i did.

but i'm hoping he'll come back.

i'm ready.

really ready.