sometimes it just hits you

{edit a few hours later----no wonder it hit so hard. it was 7 years ago TODAY. thanks sis!}

* no proofreading. i just wrote. i'll just post. *

so i'm a sap. a total crybaby. this is not news. i've always been that way. it got worse after the kids were born. i cry at everything. i cry at rae's dance shows. i cry when i notice how much beastie boy is changing. i cry at the news. and last night i cried while watching private practice.

now, this is normal. crying while watching tv happens all too often around here. but last night was different.

the tears started because one of the characters had cancer & decided to help death along a bit. he was in pain. he was ready to be finished. (he was a pretty darn good actor)

after a few minutes of quiet tears slowly streaming down my cheeks, i started crying uncontrollably. mattie just looked at me like i was crazy. he never did ask what was wrong. had he, he would've heard somethig like this......

it had just hit me that my grandfather died 7 years ago this week. i feel horrible that i can't remember the exact date. i dealt with 2 deaths that week--the grandfather of one of my closest friends & my own grandpa. it was difficult.

he had cancer---everywhere. it was so bad there was no telling which one actually killed him. probably a combination of all of them. i remember seeing him at christmas. he looked awful. and we could all tell it was his last. he knew it too. i stayed a little longer at the family gathering. hugged a little tighter. dreaded leaving because i knew it was over. i never did see him alive again. i was busy with school & work. by the time it was nearing the end, mom said he looked awful & i wouldn't want to see him that way. so i didn't go. and for the most part i'm happy i listened. one of my cousin's was brave enough to go see him, and i think my cousin regrets it. grandpa wasn't grandpa anymore.

the weeks leading up to the end were busy. mom would make the drive down every couple days. they kept calling & saying it was the end, she needed to be there. but he wouldn't let go. she'd come home for a day just to get another call. after weeks of this, it truly was the end. and it was best. no more cancer. no more pain. and for that we were all thankful.

the next few days are a blur. the 2 hour drive down, the fight w/ the then fiance who refused to go along (this lead to the end of relationship----thanks for small miracles), the hotel. waiting on my siblings to arrive, seeing cousins i hadn't seen in years, meeting other i'd never met. it all runs together.

but i do remember the night of the funeral. only a handful of people remained at grandma's house. and we sat, we cried, we drank, we shared "sid stories." we sat for hours taking turns telling stories about grandpa, laughing. he would've loved it. and it helped.

i still think about him often. i miss his messy hair, the smell of his pipe. the giant hugs & scruffy kisses. i miss him. but i will never forget. when the kids are older, they'll hear the sid stories too. they'll hear that he fought at the battle of the bulge, that he was so funny & funloving. they'll hear about the family reunions & trips. how he always had candy for us. they will know him in their own way. i just wish they could know him like i did.

so i think i'll stay away from tv dramas for awhile. i'm not sure i can handle another night when it just hits me. not yet.

love you grandpa





at that time, joe nichols had a song out called the impossible. i cried every time i heard it. still do. here is the 1st verse & the chorus.

My dad chased monsters from the dark,
Checked underneath my bed.
He could lift me with one arm,
Way up over top his head.
He could loosen rusty bolts,
With a quick turn of his wrench.
He pulled splinters from his hand,
Never even flinched.
In 13 years I'd never seen him cry,
But the day that Grandpa died,
I realized

Unsinkable ships (sink)
Unbreakable walls (break)
Sometimes the things you think will never happen,
happen just like that
Unbendable steel (bends),
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable,
I've learned to never under estimate,
the impossible